july 27th, 1:10 p.m. (2004)

The weather has turned gorgeous. Probably in the 70s right now. I've been inside all morning, transcribing, and now I have to go to Co. to file.

Today is R's birthday. Tonight, the Clique is getting together at R's house for a party. A lot of controversy surrounding this gathering. This Clique is a bunch of egos and freaks. That's why they're a pain in the ass, and that's why I like them.

I cut my cigarette smoking down and almost out before R returned from his Wisconsin trip (18 days) but I smoked 4 yesterday, and I'm already smoking the first one of today. R has a way of making me feel small and yucky, whether he intends to or not.

T told L that T&W and I fooled around. L thought it was a big deal, T said he assumed I had told R; L mentioned it to R. I hadn't told him. He didn't think it was a big deal; T told me he told L an L told him I hadn't told R, like it was a big deal. Oh boy! I said something to R today and he said he didn't think it was "wise," that they're kind of predatory. Whatever that means. What does that mean? No straight answers from R, that's for sure. I have to ask S what he thinks it means, because if I ask T&W, it'll likely turn into something unnecessary. Jeez!

R doesn't think it's wise to have sex with people he knows, "but that's just my opinion." I said I'd rather have sex with people I know, "but that's just my opinion." I wanted to say I didn't think it's more wise to have sex with strangers, that that's how people get things they don't want, but that doesn't seem like a good thing to say, especially not to him - he who has so much shame about sex and HIV.

It's really, really hard to be compassionate and patient sometimes...