august 6th, 11:45ish p.m. (2004)

God and the Holy Ghost spend too much time together. It's like when D would come over and stay with me for the whole weekend, by Sunday morning we weren't talking to each other anymore. Or if we did, we just got in little tiffs.

I think God and the Holy Ghost are like that. I mean, they've been around since before creation. I mean how long was that? An eternity before creation. (And they say that when we leave this life, we'll spend an eternity in heaven or hell. That's a long time. I don't know if I wanna believe in something like that.)

So I think God and the Holy Ghost get in these little tiffs. --Or maybe they have this one thing that they can't talk about. You know, like old married couples or gay couples who've been together more than three months. And God and the Holy Ghost have been together for an eternity already, so their one thing has built up and built up and built up over all that time and it created a big puss-filled boil called Earth - I don't know where that came from.

No, the Earth is like the baby old married couples have, or a dog or a cat the gay couples have. Earth was supposed to save their relationship. But they didn't think about all the work it was gonna be. There's a lot of managerial stuff they didn't take into consideration, like plagues and wars and hate.

And God so love the world that He (capital H) sent His (capital H) Son (capital S) into the {sic} not to condemn the world, but so that the world might be saved through Him (capital H). Does that mean the Holy Ghost didn't love the world? Didn't "so" love the world? I don't think so.

You know, when you think about a ghost, you think of a male, don't you? Casper the Friendly Ghost was like the Michael Jackson of the ghost world, but he was still a guy. Well, maybe. Maybe the Holy Ghost is a woman. Maybe she's like the wife of God. That would make more sense with the whole speaking in tongues thing. Who knows how long they dated before they got married, or if marriage is even legal up there. If you think about it, the Holy Ghost's initials are capital H, capital G, which could stand for Holy Ghost, but it could also stand for His (capital H) Girl (capital G).

They say the Father - which is God - and they point to the brain, and the Son - which is Jesus - and they point to his penis, and the Holy Ghost, and they point to the two titties. They never say who she is. God is the Father, Jesus is the Son, but who is the Holy Ghost? They never say.

But if you think about it, it makes sense. She is God's Girl, God's Wife (capital W), whatever you want to call Her (capital H). So it would makes sense that they would have tiffs, right? And their one really big thing is speaking in tongues.

When I was little, my daddy was a preacher, and he preached speaking in tongues. And when I was 12 years old, I spoke in tongues... So, when you speak in tongues, they say the Holy Ghost comes into your body and out your mouth. They say it's a language only God can understand. I think the Holy Ghost can understand it, too, but she's a victim of sex discrimination because they never say that.

And then somebody's always there to translate it. At our church, it was always Sister Norma with the bright red wig and the too much makeup. When the Holy Ghost came into the church, Daddy was the first to sense it - or Her (capital H). It usually happened before the sermon, after all the announcements and testifying and all that. We'd sing one more him {sic}

"Jesus it would please us
If you would come back real soon.
All the world has started singin'
That old dreadful Satan's doom tune.
Like a thief in the night, or as the clock is striking noon,
Oh, Jesus, it would please us
If you would come back real soon."

Sing along if you know it. (Repeat.)

And then Bro. Leighton would get the single {sic} from Daddy, Bro. RD, to keep playing, and everybody would stop singing because they knew that Daddy knew the Holy Ghost was with us. And Bro. Cannon would start moaning. Oooh... Ooooh... And I wondered if the Holy Ghost was trying to come out of his mouth, but Brother Cannon was resisting. Oooh... Oooh... And then somebody would break out into some glossalalia. And when they were done - or should I say when the Holy Ghost was done - a hush would fall over the congregation. And without ever having to be told, Brother Leighton would stop playing the organ, and Sister Norma would translate.

They always used to say that God would translate the Holy Ghost's message through somebody else in the vicinity. But they didn't always translate it. I think those were the times when God was pissed off at the Holy Ghost. He didn't pay any attention to what church she was going to, or even what town or what country for that matter. People say God didn't always translate becaue it wasn't always necessary for us to hear it, to understand what the Holy Ghost was saying. But I think maybe sometimes she may have been saying something like, "You created the heavens and the earth in seven days - no, make that six - and you can't finish the add-on to our house in all of eternity?" And He's like "Whatever."

In her defense, it seems to me God is a bit snippy, even bitchy sometimes. I mean, have you seen the billboards God has been buying around the country lately? (etc.)

Nobody translated when I spoke in tongues, but I don't think the Holy Ghost would use a 12-year old child to make nasty remarks to God. I think probably Sis. Norma couldn't understand me very well. It was my first time. I was probably doing it wrong, stuttering or something. Sis. Norma probably didn't learn how to translate in every situation at the school she went to to study glossalaliology. I think it was just a 9-week class at the junior college - or a vocational school. Vocational Bible School. Evenings and weekends. The church paid for it. And I guess the glossalaliology teachers always had the adult students stand up at the end of class - just like Sis. Norma had us childred do at Vacation Bible School every summer. All together: "I am God's little miracle."