Friday, February 29, 2008

leap year overachiever

I've been wanting to do some things and decided that February 29th would be a good day to do them, considering that it's an extra day, right?

I dropped out of the online dating scene. My three-day sample membership was coming up and it wasn't nearly as interesting as I'd hoped it would be. I did exchange email addresses with a family law attorney who has sent me a couple of really short emails saying he's going to send me a longer one soon, which is fine. In his profile, he has a picture of a small-breed dog, which for some reason is a bit scary to me!

I voted, not today, but that was one of the things that was on my list, and I managed to take care of it early. I think it was Monday or Tuesday that I voted. Then S gave me a ticket to a Town Hall Meeting with Barack Obama that he couldn't go to yesterday morning, and I went, and I was inspired. I love that man; I seriously hope he wins. I think we'll all be better for it, even the people who don't think so yet. He's just so honest and straightforward and present when he's talking, when he's answering questions. Thoughtful, engaging and seemingly concerned with all sides of the issues and all people on all of the various sides.

I was gonna wait until tomorrow to start doing yoga, just because I thought I would get a month card, and decided the first day of the month would be a good day to do that. But then I thought the 29th would be a better day, because it's an extra day, right? I don't know why I thought it would be better, but I thought so. But then I was pacing around yesterday, trying to figure out what to do with my evening, and I went to a yoga class and got the month card. I found the yoga studio online and it seemed to be within walking distance. I tried it out on my way home from the Town Hall Meeting, which was at the Convention Center. It was a little bit tucked away and difficult to find, but I won't have trouble finding it again. It took me thirty-four minutes to walk home from there. So I'll get an hour's worth of cardio as well as the actual yoga, so yay.

I could have done some writing yesterday, but I'd already done so much, I needed a break. It feels great to be working on august chagrin again, even if I've gone back and started rewriting the whole fucking thing from the top, longhand. It's just what I had to do.

And, I started a myspace page. I've been spending so much time looking at R's and his "friends'" that I became excited by the idea of creating one. I'm a bit of a luddite, though, so I stumbled through setting it up. As is usual with me, I wanted it to be a lot more than it could be, or at least more than I was able to make it be. But I'm slowly but surely getting it together. I want it to be a place to post my creative output, my novel, my paintings, videos I've created (I've only created one, but it's there).

It feels kind of like I'm "seeing other people," since I now have a blog page and a myspace page, but this singular relationship was starting to feel a bit stifling. (That's a joke.) Anyway, my myspace page can be found here, in case any of you four people who read my blog are interested and haven't already gotten a request from me to be my friend!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

"risk it all for love"

You say "risk it all for love,"
But what do you really mean?
Risk your sanity?
Risk your livelihood?
And to whom are you speaking?
Are you making a personal statement?
Is this your mantra, something to say
To get you through the rough patches of your life?
Or do you wish this for everyone?
Do you put this out there for anyone to read
And be inspired by
And pick up like a white flag
(Or a red flag,
Or a beating heart that has lost its chest
But just won't stop its wistful beating)?
To whom are you offering this?
And what is it you are offering?
Has this message helped you?
Are you making a testimony of these five words
-- "Risk it all for love. (I did, and look at me)." --
Is that it?
And what if it comes from without,
Moving toward you?
What if it is someone else
Who takes this message
And has at the heart of the matter
You and all that you mean to them?
What then?
Can you handle it?
Will you accept it?
Will you succumb to the power of love
That has been risked in your name?
Do you believe in this?
Do you believe in it?
Do you really believe?
And if you do, what will you do about it?
What will happen?
I don't know the answer,
That's why I'm asking.

fuck love, i'm a writer!

I sat and sat and sat and thought about it and thought about it and thought about it and finally decided that the novel wasn't going to write itself, but I couldn't figure out what angle to take to get to the next part of what I'm writing, so I decided to just sit with what I've already written and approach that feeling again, that sense of inspiration that drives this story. I know, I know, I know, all the best teachers say you should get all the way through the story before you go back up and start over again. Okay, no, I don't know if all the best teachers say that; I just know that a lot of teachers say that, I don't know if they're the best, they're not the best for me because they're not my teachers. I don't have a teacher, not in an official, capital T sort of way, not somebody I pay (though I feel that I have a lot of teachers in a lowercase t sort of way), and so I don't really know if that's the best advice, to not start over from the start, because I don't really know what it means, exactly. I've got this story down, I've got the whole thing in my head (and I've written some of almost every last part of it). I just wanted to see where it's going, and to do that I felt like I had to see where it came from, and to do that, to really do that, to really feel that the way I need to feel it, I decided I needed to go back and rewrite the story, physically, by hand, longhand, with a pen and some college ruled filler paper, with the previous version(s) before me, and start there and see where it gets me. And, whew! my hand is tired. I got all the way through chapter one and that felt good, and it changed somewhat, in some basic ways but not in any overriding ways, just a few fixes that I knew were gonna need to be made when I got back around to rewrites anywya. And I got started on chapter two. I started last night and then I did a little more today, and that feels equally good, too. There's a character named Brenda whose name I changed to Patty, I think because somebody in my writing critiquing group said all the characters names seemed too similar--
Randy
Mona
Rona
Brenda
Mike
Chandra
Those are the names that come up in the first couple of chapters. I don't think there are any others, maybe, but it doesn't really matter right now. Anyway, when I was rewriting, I kept writing Brenda instead of Patty, even though I had the paper that I was working from in front of me and it said Patty there clear as day. I think maybe the character's name is just Brenda. It's not like I have a whole lot of say over it. If a character comes into my head as being named Brenda, it's gonna be hard to call her Patty. That's just what I'm thinking. But I had to stop handwriting for a while because my right hand was killing me (particularly my pinkie finger which gets all tucked up under my fist, all wadded up and dragged across the page again and again and again) and I found some work-work to do. It's slow season at my job, but I'm thankful for a little mindless work now and then. That's all.

Monday, February 25, 2008

love me somebody

S went to NYC for the weekend to work on the rock opera of the life of Lizzie Borden that he and a friend who predates me have been working on for forever. I had too much time on my hands! He was supposed to leave on Friday, but because of weather his flight was canceled. It got rescheduled for early Saturday morning, so I didn't go to the CampCamp benefit on Friday, which was a little bit of a disappointment, but really okay. A little bit less okay was the fact that I had to get up before 5:00 a.m. to take him to the airport, but I survived.

On Saturday night, P1 came over for dinner. I made a spinach and scallion quiche and a spring mix green salad with Greek olives, feta cheese, roasted pecans, carrots, and a balsamic honey dressing with way too much cayenne pepper! She brought a bottle of white wine; we had a really nice time, talking mostly about my relationship issues (regarding my non-relationship with R, etc.).

I had been pretty distracted all day and almost didn't get the meal done in time. We were on a schedule, had plans to see a show, though a couple of times during the evening I thought it would be okay if we didn't make it, that it would be nice just to stay at home and talk awhile longer. But we did make it, and I'm so glad we did. We went to see Dynasty Handbag and we laughed till our faces hurt (well, actually, I don't know if P1's face hurt; it didn't look so bad to me).

On Sunday, I called several people I had been thinking of calling for some time (you know, old friends), and left a lot of messages and talked to one person. I felt despondent and ended up getting on one of those online dating websites and spent hours filling out information about myself that I was never completely satisfied with. I sent out 22 short emails (generic, cut and pasted over and over) and got a response from one of them today, and also got what is called a wink (in the online dating world) from somebody I didn't even email, a good-looking man in Ohio or some other state, so maybe that was a mistake.

I had to pick S up at the airport at 12:30 a.m., so after I swore off the computer (too much staring), I sat on the porch and smoked a cigarette, read another chapter of On the Road, then shaved off my moustache and goatee. When that was done I liked the way I looked in the mirror and wish I could get my computer camera to work so I can take a more updated picture of myself for all that potential love getting ready to come my way.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

more on florida

The day after I got to Florida, I had a cold. Secretly I blamed R and his self-diagnosed "food poisoning" (because I smoked after him), but C figured I got it from the plane ("there's a lot of bugs stuck on planes..."). Oh, I guess she could be right, but still, it was a miserable cold and I wanted to blame somebody!

C and I have an interesting relationship. We love each other dearly, and we seem to be on a similar yet parallel path in this life -- and we're close in age, etc. -- but sometimes I have to take her advice with a grain of salt. Sometimes what she offers up is just the right thing I need to hear and other times I'm like "Who is this person?" (She probably feels the same way about me.) We usually get a little testy around each other if we spend too much time together, as if our interests don't mesh up and we're trying to just stay real and supportive of each other.

Then again, C was a big reason why I decided to go back to Melrose in the fall to work on august chagrin. I said something to her (really I was thinking out loud) about wanting to finish my novel and then spend a month somewhere rewriting it; and then it turned into the idea of me spending time at the Lee House to finish it. But then I was concerning myself with the fact that I won't be out of debt at least until September '09, and if I do something like that it would likely be later. C said, "Don't let debt rule your life, jdjb."

And she's right. That comment loosened up the confusion in my head and I realized that I could do this, and it wouldn't necessarily mean I would get myself deeper in debt, or even that I would stop my path toward a debt-free life.

That was on the way to Melrose from Gainesville the day I'd gotten back from Tampa.

Rewind four days to me going from Jacksonville to Gainesville. C's car became unavailable that morning. I thought maybe I wouldn't be making it to Gainesville and called A&L to tell them of my dilemma. A is a classic Jewish mother. When I told her I was going to check into buses she said, "Well, you're gonna be here in time for dinner, right?" That made me laugh.

As it turned out, I did get there in plenty of time for her to feed me, thank goodness for all concerned because we would never have heard the end of it. The shuttle bus took me from Jacksonville Airport to the University of Florida campus, where L was waiting for me. He's a cute little man, cuter now because he has a little goatee, and he was sitting in a mass of students looking as comfortable as he could be (I guess because he spent twenty-some-odd years working as a professor at UF, which was a big part of my reason for visiting A&L, so that he could take me around the campus and I could "research" where Randy Reardon spent a little less than a year of his life).

But first, we went to the house. A had had lung cancer in the past year and had to go through some painful surgery, but she looked really good. She doesn't smoke cigarettes (maybe she did when she was younger, I don't know, it didn't come up), but the cancer came from the condo they live in! They discovered this during the lung cancer scare. There was 40 times (or maybe it was 400 times) the safe level of radon gas seeping into their house from underground (radon is a radioactive gas that comes from the natural decay of uranium). The woman they bought the house from died of lung cancer. They now have a life-support system type contraption connected to their house pumping the radon out; it's down to a much lower than safe level now.

They're old cat died and they were fostering two beautiful Siamese kittens -- until recently when they adopted one of them, but they're still fostering the brother. For some weird reason, they were required to give them names that begin with C, so they're Charlotte and Claude. L doesn't like the name Claude much, and mostly called the male Rudolph. Whatever his name, he's a sweet cat who jumped up into my lap and ended up draped quite trustingly over my arm. He almost came home with me in my bag (except that Timmy would not like him, to be sure, and except that A signed a paper saying she would and wouldn't do this and that...)

We ate homemade bean burgers that night, and then a young man (26, I think he is) from their UU fellowship came over for dessert. A had told me earlier that he was gay and hot, and he was definitely cute. He's from Iowa and I was mesmerized by his accent, which seemed most prominently to pronounce the Ts in words. A had loaned him their copy of the documentary of my former life (thinking he and the Interweave group, a gay UU group) would put it in their upcoming film series. She put us both on the spot, which was a bit embarrassing.

I can't remember his name now. He's a piano teacher, that was why he couldn't be there for dinner, and why dessert had to be served after nine. A made a lemon ice box pie (yum), but the gay boy jumped at the secondary offer of brownies. "Well, I love chocolate, so if I could have both, that would be great."

He seemed a little nervous -- perhaps because he had seen the very intense drama of my life -- and he chattered away, so much so that when he went to the bathroom A&L both apologized profusely for him, saying they had no idea he was such a chatterbox. I didn't care; I didn't want to hold the conversation (I was sick and tired), and like I said, his accent fascinated me.

They talked him into playing a little on the piano, which he did for about thirty minutes, showing us mostly the exercises he does to start each day, scales done at breakneck speed. He is very good, but eventually L put his hands on both of the boy's shoulders and said gently, "Okay, we've had enough!" It was an awkward moment, but interesting to watch, to be sure.

The next day, after banana pancakes which L made, we had our scheduled visit to the UF campus. A proudly announced that she had scored us lunch, which turned out to mean that, because she is involved in real estate (semi-retired now), we "got to" go to a real estate office and try to be sold a near-campus condominium with the lure of turkey wraps, chips and salsa, spinach and artichoke dip, etc. I was still full from breakfast, and my stomach was a little unsettled because I was sick and because A had asked me to say that I was indeed looking to buy a condo. Jeez! It wasn't as simple as that. A couple different agents hovered over us when we were walking around looking at the model plans and when we were sitting in the model kitchen eating, asking me point-blank questions about my plans. When I said I was from Austin, the woman almost shit herself: "Why would you want to move from Austin to Gainesville?!" I didn't know. "A change of scenery, I guess," was the best I could come up with.

L and I walked around the campus -- into Broward Hall where Randy lived when he was at UF, around some of the outdoor art that would've been there when he was there, past some of the buildings he would likely have been spending a lot of time in his freshman year -- while A sat in the car reading my august chagrin outline. During my visit, I read three chapters to A&L, which they loved.

Early in the visit, I had made a comment that the way A&L were fumbling around the kitchen was akin to a couple of stoners. A said, "I wish." I laughed. She said, "Do you have some?" I felt myself turn bright red (C had given me a bud to perhaps smoke with R in Tampa, or for whatever). I mumbled some sort of noncommittal reply. A said, "Seriously, do you have some?" I said, "C gave me some for my travels." (I don't know why I was lying, or coloring the truth so much; likely it was some sort of ageist thing.) I told her I didn't have anything to smoke it with (another outright lie; I had papers) and said if she had a potato or an apple I could make a pipe. L seemed completely oblivious to all of this drug talk.

So, when we stopped for gas at a convenience store the next day, I went in and bought (more) papers and held them up to A outside saying, "If you were serious." She said, "Oh, I definitely am."

But it got late that night; they were on the phone with their friend talking about UU stuff and I was about ready to go to bed (because I was feeling about as bad as I had so far that week). L was in the upstairs office lying on the floor talking on one phone while A was downstairs in the kitchen/breakfast room on another. I had rolled the bud into a tight little joint but was ready to blow off the idea. I went into the kitchen to say goodnight, but A put her hand over the phone and said, "If you wanna do that thing, I'll be off in a minute." I said "Okay." (Even though I was sick and tired, it seemed too good an opportunity to pass up, getting high with this old hippie chick.) She asked me to roll her a joint of her own so she wouldn't catch my cold, and I simply cut the joint I'd rolled in half.

We took a couple hits each, and while we were doing it, L came into the room, and I felt busted all over again. She offered him a hit and he declined and said, "A, I'm not sure if that's such a good idea, with your lung cancer." She agreed and put it out. But it was strong pot and we were high and got into some very entertaining conversation for the next hour or so. L seemed to have gotten a contact high (or maybe a second-hand smoke high). It was a lot of fun.

The next day, I helped A set up the dining room table for a dinner party they were throwing that night. She kept commenting on how impressed she was with my initiative; "I'm not used to that." L is kind of scattered and, according to her, has to be told every little thing to do. Oh, couples!

L had a rehearsal for a UU band he's in (playing harmonica and accordion) that morning; the group also includes a woman who has MS and has to tote a oxygen tank around with her. There are a couple of others in the group, also very interesting types; good ole Unitarians. I tentatively planned to go to rehearsal with him, but slept in (because I was sick). At a quarter to noon, A tracked L down to tell him I needed to be at the airport by noon to pick up my rental car. He was on his way.

The Gainesville airport is a regional airport, very rinky-dinky. The computers were down at the rental car place so everything had to be done by hand, and of the two men working the booth, one of them was being trained. It was definitely a practice in patience. I didn't mind having to slow down; I was on my way to see R and I was a bit nervous about that. I was given a glittery silver-blue PT Cruiser for the journey and felt pretty stylin'.

Friday, February 22, 2008

i wonder if this will make sense in the morning

I am going to spend two months in Melrose, Florida, this fall. It's just sinking in what that means, really. I'm taking my cat. I'm gonna drive cross-country then fly back and pick Timmy up and return. I don't want to take him on such an intense road trip, and I want to do the road trip anyway. It's all for the novel, the driving, the being in Melrose. Well, not the cat part, but I'll enjoying having the cat for company, the cat will appreciate not being abandoned (after getting over the plane ride -- I need to look into tranquilizers, pros and cons, etc.), and S will appreciate not having to take care of the cat. Not that he doesn't like Timmy, it's just that he doesn't want a cat, and it also serves as further explanation (or delineation) of our relationship, i.e., if Timmy was our cat, then we would be a couple. I mean, what if one of us decides to move away; as it is now, there's no question about where Timmy would go.

But anyway, the journeys to Melrose... Or I guess that's "journeys to Florida" and journey to Melrose. I wonder if this will make sense in the morning.

I'm going to stay at the Lee House September through October. At first, I was a little bit unsure of it because of the Lee House's proximity to Tampa. It's not all that close (two-and-a-half hours), but it was a somewhat overwhelming concept at first. I wasn't really sure it was a good idea anyway, but I ran it past S and he encouraged it. I think he would have said something if he thought it was a bad idea, for whatever reason...

I don't know what I'm saying; I'm really just enjoying writing, watching the words come out of the end of the pen, writing fancy letters and watching them form into words.

So, two months in Melrose, twenty miles from Gainesville -- and I will have my truck, so I won't be stranded -- but a nice out of the way little town. I want to get a bike. Maybe I'll get one there. I also want to create a schedule for my time in Melrose. I told C when I first came up with the idea of going to Melrose to work on my book (and she encouraged it) that I was going to write myself a proposal, to see how it all looks on paper. Maybe I still need to do that, or maybe I need to do something different, maybe just a schedule.

I want to write a schedule for my days there and for the progress of the book while I'm there. Not that I want something to bear down on me, but rather as a target (or targets) of how I would like things to go. If my goal is to rewrite (second draft) the book in Melrose, I need to get my ass in gear to finish the first draft. But more likely -- and this is the reason I decided upon two months there instead of one -- I'll complete the first draft there. I'm working on it now but the work is all in my head, and my head is a bit full up with other stuff now as well. But I think it's a good thing; I think if I can tap into this misery that currently haunts me, I can get some good writing done.

I just have to tap it. Once it's flowing I'm sure I can channel it in another direction, like into august chagrin.

I'm sleepy now -- and a little bit high -- so I'm shutting of. I feel like the helicopter outside my window, circling over the neighborhood. That's me, I'm just coming in for a landing.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

feast

We plucked our great passion from the bones--
Like roasted chicken or Sunday roast--
With wild abandon, like we were gods,
Young and foolish in flowing togas,
Slurping at the fingers of maidens,
Until every last morsel was gone,
Till we were stripped bare like dirty beds,
Tossed into a pile and forgotten.

We both thought there would always be more;
We sucked the bones and tossed scraps aside,
Moved to the next platter of delights,
The sugary sweet unhealthy treats,
Disregarding passions we once knew,
Forgetting the sustenance of love.
And then we began paying the price
In toothaches and heartaches and lost sight.

When I looked up from my empty place
I saw that you feasted heartily,
Your cup of passion still overflowed,
Though not with the passion we once knew.
I was malnourished; begged for a taste,
Toothless and thin and silvered with age;
You recognized me from deep within
And held my head while I drank your cup.

If you thirst, I will go to the well;
If you hunger, I'll give all I can;
If you desire that which we once had,
I'll open my chest, offer my heart,
And once again you'll feast like a god;
Once again you'll truly be sated;
Once again you'll be blessed with the food
That nourishes two souls with each bite.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

diaries from the road

2-9-8

Everything is tax deductible on this trip. I wonder if it will make a difference, or if it will just raise a flag for he IRS. I'm in the DFW airport having a pizza and a Pepsi. My flight for Jax boards in about an hour. I'm really not all that hungry, but I would hate to miss lunch, and I do love the personal size cheese pizza with lots of red pepper flakes.

We arrived at the Casbah (on the way home from the airport) at 4:20 -- which seemed auspicious -- had hookas and beer drinks and snacks. C's friend L joined us there and we were kind of waiting around (drinking, etc.) for the regular Friday night improve thing that happens here at eight -- were quite excited about it actually -- only to realize at about 7:30 that it's Saturday. And so that's the way the evening went. The three of us walked down the street to Brick, a trendy restaurant bar with interesting clientèle and a good jazz trio (not that I'm an aficionado), then came to C's house (finally) which is really M's house (M, whom I've never met) but C is house/dog sitting. He wasn't here but his daughter and her friend and her friend's mother "M" were up in the room with the foldout couch and the big TV watching scary movies.

C called a half dozen people as we drove from Jax proper to Jax Beach. L came, and so did another yoga teacher, R, who reminded me of my Filipino fling I had here named R, and so I kept call R by the wrong name. R's not gay, and that's okay. I actually had a realization (or something). I'm working to turn off the desire in me that causes me to act in ways that cause me embarrassment. It happens around boys all the time whether they're gay or straight, even girls sometimes. And I don't think I believe there is anything wrong with the crushes, I jus want to act differently within them, not get "taken away" by them.

They drank wine (the girls). I drank water. R drank a smoothie because he's coming off of (he believes) food poisoning. We played cards -- it was fun -- then we went out and smoked a joint R had rolled, and after that the party dispersed; "M," who had come down to visit with the adults awhile before she went home, went home; L went to walk on the beach alone (because she couldn't talk any of the rest of us into going with her); R went out drinking; C and I came inside and played a couple games of Crazy 8s. It's been a busy day (we packed a lot in the past eight hours -- talk about crazy 8s) -- and who knows what tomorrow's twenty-three hours holds (I'm borrowing one for today).
2-10-8

Long night's sleep. Breakfast at the diner in Atlantic Beach was so-so (I was annoyed by their hospitable efforts of offering everyone waiting for a table a cup of coffee -- in Styrofoam). Short stack french toast with raisins sprinkled on top; two eggs not quite as ordered by fine. In the meantime, C was at yoga. After, we went to R's for a little high then back to the house so C could cook herself some red meat and I took a shower. There are certain inconveniences that one must put up with when staying away from home -- where to put bathroom accessories being one.

I think this will be a nice vacation in two-day increments.

C's quite a social bumblebee. I guess that's why I don't have many friends. I did make two calls today while waiting for C to get out of yoga, to A and to A&L, gearing up for the week to come. Maybe I should call R.
2-11-8

On a shuttlebus to Gainesville. C took her car in for alignment this morning and they found a leak in the radiator which amounted to a $650 estimate. It's actually nice to be able to sit quietly and not have to entertain anyone (though I'm on the shuttle alone and the driver keeps making comments).

R called while we were waiting for her car to be ready and I melted. He told me "for what it's worth" that he's in a very tender place right now. I want to be sure and meet him there. (I'm kind of in a tender place myself right now.)

let it bleet

When S got home from school, I cried on his shoulder for a while. It was the closest I've felt to him in a long time. After a while of that, I felt suddenly sleepy, maybe drunk even, I guess from the endorphins being released by the crying. S helped me sort out a bit of my franticness, told me I didn't need to figure everything out. I smoked a bowl, had a beer, rented a movie. I watched "Old Joy," which is very good, though it's about a couple of men revisiting an (apparently) old relationship, and the troubles they have seeing each other anymore. It didn't slay me, as I might've thought had I known what the movie was about before I rented it. It was gorgeously shot, well-written (if a little overly self-aware at times).

Just before I shut off the computer, I got an email from R which was so right. It was intelligent and thoughtful and sweet and open; he offered to keep this dialogue open if I'm willing.

I slept well last night then wrote R a long letter today (by hand, put it in the mail to slow things down a little). On the backs of the pages, I painted watercolor pictures using beet juice, not for any specific reason, it just seemed like a good idea -- creativity is certainly a good way for me to work through my stuff. I spent most of the morning writing the letter and painting the pictures, then I took my letter to the post office with some other things I had to mail.

I'm leaving in a second to get a tattoo on my right forearm. I planned it before I left for Florida. It will say Reflection in cursive letters (just like the Compassion tattoo on my left forearm) but in mirror display, so that both words go outward from elbows to wrists.

I've got so much processing about the past week to do. And I will. I have some writings I want to put in my blog. I just have to take it slow and easy for the time being; after all, I am recovering from giving birth to the biggest baby ever.

Monday, February 18, 2008

rears its ugly head

I'm fuckin' losing my mind. I feel like I'm in childbirth. Right now, I'm relatively okay -- tight stomach, anxious -- but three minutes ago I was sobbing uncontrollably, muttering "I don't know, I don't know," pacing from one end of the apartment to the other. It's like I'm having contractions; it's been going on all day. It makes me think of the upstairs neighbor, who is on a couple of antidepressants and/or ADD medications. It makes me think of when I was on Cymbalta. It makes me think I've fallen off a cliff. I don't know what's going on. I think that's why I'm muttering "I don't know."

Once, the upstairs neighbor came to me and asked if she should get rid of all of her furniture. It was a most bizarre question. But right now, that's the way I feel. I want S to hurry home so I can ask him what I should do. Should I go dancing tonight? Should I meditate? Should I get high? Should I smoke a cigarette? Should I have a shot of tequila?

Like I said, my stomach feels tight, so I don't feel like eating. I had a piece of toast with peanut butter and honey at breakfast because I felt like I should eat something; I had a glass of beet, carrot and apple juice around lunchtime for the same reason. And I just ate a couple of potato chips, but I cried through them. By that point, my mutters had turned to "Fucks!"

I feel so all alone.

What happened? R, that's what.

I saw him and a host of emotions overtook me. But not in the moment; while I was there visiting him, it was great, felt nice; I met his boss and friends, we hit it off. But when I left him I felt a depression similar to the one I felt five years ago, the last time we parted ways (also in Florida, by the way). It was such a wonderful thing to have been able to connect with him -- I've wanted this reunion for several years -- and yet it only stirred up old illness in me. Fuck!

It hit me on the plane ride home. It hit me as I was plotting to get closer, get more, get in there, knowing full well that he isn't interested in that, thinking I had a handle on it. It's hard to experience all those hopes and desires without being affected by them. But, okay -- Whew! -- I made it through the experience; we made it through he experience. We avoided having sex (which I thought was a good thing, thought it was going to keep these clingy feelings from coming up). It felt therapeutic is what it was. It felt like we were digging into some of the old hurts and dealing with them. I cried a lot, sobbed in R's arms. I felt a healing taking place.

But I feel so sick right now; I feel like I'm going crazy. I called R's best friend N yesterday (she understands what R and I are all about). She told me "Let it out!" I did. I didn't sleep well; I woke up at 6:20. I've been going since then. I couldn't get through a cup of coffee.

I almost called N again. I hate that S doesn't have a cell phone -- not that he would answer it while he's in class -- but I need an ear (or at least a voice mail).

Actually, I did call N again, but she's at her boyfriend's house (that's where I called) and they're not answering because he's about to move away, and so they've got their own drama. I actually almost called R. I almost text messaged him (ineedanotherhug) -- I even wrote it in my phone screen but never sent it. I almost called him. "I'm losing it!" (But he too has drama in his life and I don't have a right pushing myself in -- and I would probably come off as a total lunatic!)

A part of me feels like I need to cut it off, maybe tell him I can't have him in my life, maybe just shut him out. The way he's done me for the past five years. But that feels like an unsuccessful task. I would have to pretend he's dead. I would have to grieve that. I don't think I could handle that. (I had a hard time just writing that.)

I want to channel this emotion into my writing. This is the first (somewhat) coherent bit of writing I've done in a week. I started but didn't finish a dozen letters to R, on the plane, in the airports where I was stuck for a while, emails.

I did jot down an email I sent him saying I was going to back off because I was afraid I would overwhelm him, and he wrote back (eventually) and said not to worry about overwhelming him because he's already overwhelmed. It was in that same email letter to me that he said he's still in love with K, his recent ex, that K keeps saying he wants to get back together (and then keeps changing his mind), and that he (R) is still in love with K and wants to make it work.

It was exactly what I needed from him, a bit of clarity in an area where he's been mum of late. I wrote back to say I don't want to come between him and K, don't want them to break up. I said I want R to be happy, and I do, I really do. I poured it out. We both wrote about the old feelings -- the hurt, the chaos, etc. -- that we caused each other and ourselves five years ago. We both wrote about how we don't want to do that to ourselves or each other. It felt good.

That was the first thing I did this morning. I've been giving birth since.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

goin' to the lightnin' capital

I'm leaving this morning for Florida, to do research on august chagrin. It's kind of exciting; I've never done research on a novel before. Today, I arrive in Jacksonville Beach. I'll stay a couple of days with C., and I'll be forced to do Bikram Yoga (she reminded me to bring shorts); I was the one who introduced her to that -- I discovered it in Jax Beach back in 2003 -- and now she's an instructor and currently in Jax Beach teaching at that very studio! I haven't done much exercise lately, so I'm a little apprehensive about doing it in a room that's 120 degrees Fahrenheit, but if it doesn't kill me, supposedly it'll make me stronger.

On Monday, C. is gonna drive me to Gainesville, where the actual research begins. I'm gonna stay with A. & L.; he's a professor at U of F, and that's where my protag went to school for one year. L. is gonna show me around the campus, including Broward Hall, which is where Randy lived. It'll be nice to visit A. & L.

And then on Wednesday, I'm renting a car and driving from Gainesville (actually a little northwest of there, Keystone Heights) to Tampa, by way of Lakeland or Plant City or somewhere in that area via the backroads because two important things happen in august chagrin around there. Randy's first love, Rich, and Rich's new bride die there in an accident on the way to their honeymoon in the Keys; and a year later, Rich's sister Diamond has Randy drive her to that place so she can plant a cross and plastic flowers on the side of the road. It is the closest Randy and Diamond will ever be. (A year later, after they graduate from high school, they go to Las Vegas together, but they have already started drifting apart by that time.)

I'm also going to see R. in Tampa. He teaches yoga (not Bikram, thank goodness!) there. I haven't seen him in ages, and it'll be weird and interesting to see him, particularly since I'll be there on Valentine's Day. Oh, jeez.

I'll drive back to Gainesville on Friday and return the car, and C. will pick me up, and we'll either go right back to Jax Beach (according to her dog-sitting duties) or to Melrose or St. Augustine for the night. When my world crumbled back in 2002, I moved to Jax Beach, but that fell apart, too, and I wound up in Jacksonville proper living with A., a recovering alcoholic. She met P., who lives in St. Augustine and has an old boarding house in Melrose (which is the area I based Black Lake, Randy's home, on in the book). I'm hoping we'll stay there and not at P. & A.'s house in St. Augustine, even though A. said there's plenty of room, mostly because I want to get the feel of Black Lake again. Hopefully, A. & P. will meet us there.

The day after that is Saturday (a week from today), and I have to be back in Jacksonville to catch a plane back home.