I've started telling people that I'm planning on signing up for the August open mic at Zanie's. I have an alarm set on my cell phone to call on the appropriate day at the appropriate time. With S's help I realized that my strong comic subject matter is my religious background. This is what I'm working with right now:I am God's little miracle. They made us say that in VBS. Every day for two weeks, before we could make the burned match crosses or the other crafts. All together.
I think we're all trying to figure out what in life got us to where we are now. What screwed us up? What in the world went wrong to make us turn out the way we have? For me, I think it was religion.
My momma married my daddy when she was 17 years old to get out of a repressive religious household. She didn't fall in love with my daddy, he was just a ticket out of her personal hell. Her daddy didn't allow playing cards in the house. They were of the devil. No dancing, except when in church, when the Holy Ghost insights {sic} you to dance. My momma's brother had to sneak a spaghetti strap dress out of the house for her to wear to her high school prom. Apparently, her shoulders were of the devil, too. My daddy sure thought so. He'd never seen shoulders like those. All he had was brothers back in his podunk little hometown. He was mesmerized. My momma saw she had a spell on him and asked him to marry her, and the country boy had won the city girl prize, devilsh shoulders and all.
Shortly after the honeymoon momma was pregnant and daddy got the callin', you know, the calling from the Lord to be a preacher. My momma's momma - my Nana - heard it loud and clear. She put the bug in daddy's ear that that was his destiny; that's what would make that country boy good.
Nothing would make good of her own boy, the brother who'd snuck out of the house in his sister's spaghetti strap dress so she could wear it to her prom. That's my uncle Joe. He's two years older than my momma and by the time he turned 21, he was wearing women's clothes all the time. He never wanted to be a woman, mind you, he just liked the clothes.
He gave me this dress. This is my Lucky Green Dress. It was Uncle Joe's lucky green dress before he gave it to me. But that's a different story. I'm talknig about what screwed me up... Back to religion.
When I was 12 years old, I spoke in tongues. This was before I had the Lucky Green Dress. Nana says luck has nothing to do with it. They say the Holy Ghost comes into your body through your soul and out your mouth in a language only God can understand. At our church, there's always somebody ready to translate the words of the Holy Ghost into the words we can understand. They say God Himself just gives the translation. My question was always why the middle man - or middle woman, since it's usually Norma with the bright red wig and way too much makeup doing the translating - or should I say receiving the translation? I mean, if God wanted to say something, why couldn't he just say it in a language we could understand from the start? Why the special language? Why so secretive?
When I was younger I used to ponder the mysteries of the heavens and the earth, and I decided that God and the Holy Ghost were not on speaking terms. God would be like, "Say it in English." And the Holy Ghost would be like, "No. I have to use my special language." And God is like, "But they won't understand and I'll have to translate it for them." And the Holy Ghost is like, "You aren't the boss of me!"
No telling how long they've been having this little tiff, I mean, since they've been around since the Creation of everything. As long as I've known about them, at least.
--
Have you seen those billboards God is putting up recently? And when I say recently, it could've been any time in the last 1000 years, since God's been around forever. It's relative. Anyway, he seems to have an attitude problem if you ask me. His billboards say "What part of Thou shalt not did you not understand?" and "Read my book, there will be a test."
And they're so low tech. I mean, God created the heavens and the earth in three dimensions and he puts out billboards with white letters on a black background??? If he really wanted to impress us - or scare us into being good - I think he should've created billboards that we've never seen before, out of materials that never existed before because he just created them. Four or five dimension billboards that say "You --> I'm talking to you! I want you to meet my Son. He loves you." And I'd be like, "All right. I'm in a relationship right now, but it's an open relationship. I can meet him for a beer on, what, Sunday? No? Wine on Sunday? Okay, but I don't want any of that watered down shit."
I think we're all trying to figure out what in life got us to where we are now. What screwed us up? What in the world went wrong to make us turn out the way we have? For me, I think it was religion.
My momma married my daddy when she was 17 years old to get out of a repressive religious household. She didn't fall in love with my daddy, he was just a ticket out of her personal hell. Her daddy didn't allow playing cards in the house. They were of the devil. No dancing, except when in church, when the Holy Ghost insights {sic} you to dance. My momma's brother had to sneak a spaghetti strap dress out of the house for her to wear to her high school prom. Apparently, her shoulders were of the devil, too. My daddy sure thought so. He'd never seen shoulders like those. All he had was brothers back in his podunk little hometown. He was mesmerized. My momma saw she had a spell on him and asked him to marry her, and the country boy had won the city girl prize, devilsh shoulders and all.
Shortly after the honeymoon momma was pregnant and daddy got the callin', you know, the calling from the Lord to be a preacher. My momma's momma - my Nana - heard it loud and clear. She put the bug in daddy's ear that that was his destiny; that's what would make that country boy good.
Nothing would make good of her own boy, the brother who'd snuck out of the house in his sister's spaghetti strap dress so she could wear it to her prom. That's my uncle Joe. He's two years older than my momma and by the time he turned 21, he was wearing women's clothes all the time. He never wanted to be a woman, mind you, he just liked the clothes.
He gave me this dress. This is my Lucky Green Dress. It was Uncle Joe's lucky green dress before he gave it to me. But that's a different story. I'm talknig about what screwed me up... Back to religion.
When I was 12 years old, I spoke in tongues. This was before I had the Lucky Green Dress. Nana says luck has nothing to do with it. They say the Holy Ghost comes into your body through your soul and out your mouth in a language only God can understand. At our church, there's always somebody ready to translate the words of the Holy Ghost into the words we can understand. They say God Himself just gives the translation. My question was always why the middle man - or middle woman, since it's usually Norma with the bright red wig and way too much makeup doing the translating - or should I say receiving the translation? I mean, if God wanted to say something, why couldn't he just say it in a language we could understand from the start? Why the special language? Why so secretive?
When I was younger I used to ponder the mysteries of the heavens and the earth, and I decided that God and the Holy Ghost were not on speaking terms. God would be like, "Say it in English." And the Holy Ghost would be like, "No. I have to use my special language." And God is like, "But they won't understand and I'll have to translate it for them." And the Holy Ghost is like, "You aren't the boss of me!"
No telling how long they've been having this little tiff, I mean, since they've been around since the Creation of everything. As long as I've known about them, at least.
--
Have you seen those billboards God is putting up recently? And when I say recently, it could've been any time in the last 1000 years, since God's been around forever. It's relative. Anyway, he seems to have an attitude problem if you ask me. His billboards say "What part of Thou shalt not did you not understand?" and "Read my book, there will be a test."
And they're so low tech. I mean, God created the heavens and the earth in three dimensions and he puts out billboards with white letters on a black background??? If he really wanted to impress us - or scare us into being good - I think he should've created billboards that we've never seen before, out of materials that never existed before because he just created them. Four or five dimension billboards that say "You --> I'm talking to you! I want you to meet my Son. He loves you." And I'd be like, "All right. I'm in a relationship right now, but it's an open relationship. I can meet him for a beer on, what, Sunday? No? Wine on Sunday? Okay, but I don't want any of that watered down shit."
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