july 1st, 2004 (july 2nd, 12:05 am)

My journaling is a bit too personal and intense to share lately. I was thinking that maybe in a year or so I'll share what I'm writing. And then I just got a hankering to pull out an old journal and start sharing that as blog entries. This one chronicles a particularly difficult time in my life, in the throes of a depression I wasn't even aware of in the beginning. It gets pretty intense, if I recall correctly, but there's a lot of creative outlet, too...

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It seems a good time to start a journal. Change is always a good reason. The man I love so dearly left today for 18 days or so. Maybe not quite that long. We'll see; he's not one to wallow in specifics. I don't know why I love him so much. He certainly doesn't treat me as good as he should. He himself has said that on a number of occasions. But there's a lot to love about my man. His loyalty to those he cares about is at the top of that list. I know he cares about me; I know he loves me. He has taught me a lot in our relatively short time together. I have learned that I am loyal to him as well. He isn't big on sex. Of course it's a hard notion to shake that it's not because of me. When I ask he tells me he does find me sexy, but more often than not, his actions don't speak as loud as his words. And so I've decided I need to find someone to fulfill that physical need in me. I called someone just today. I met him on a recent trip rafting down the Chittooga River. I didn't have any interest in him at all at first, but then on the long ride home he fondled my foot, or my foot fondled him, or a little bit of both, I'm not quite sure. He was first on the list. (There are other candidates.) I called and he seemed interested at least in hanging out with me. He said he'll call. And if he does, I'll take it that he is interested. If not, I'll move on down the list.

Well, I'm falling asleep amongst the pages of my new journal, so I guess I'd better call a night a night.