10:44 pm (2004)

Everything was going along pretty well. Well, on and off throughout my time there, I felt like I belonged there. But then I would suddenly feel like I was from another planet and would have to force myself into the situation, or a situation again. I got in the pool one of those times just after dark, naked. Three or four other people followed me in, naked. Others came and went in their swimsuits. J was in their {sic}, and K the cabinet maker. Cutie! Earlier I'd been dancing with/near G. We danced together for a while. I tried to coerce him and his big feet into the pool. Then K got out, stayed naked, and they started dancing. J got out, I got out. We dressed. I felt anxious about how long Jesse had been at home unchaperoned. And I was feeling a wave of people not seeing me again, and I couldn't get comfortable with it, and I left, and I came home, and Jesse hadn't done any chewing or peeing, which was good, and we went in the back yard, and I called S to tell him I felt bummed out, and his voice mail picked up (of course - festival), and when I hung up Jesse brought me a baby bird she had just killed. It was still warm. I wanted to cry, but I was too angry. I put her in the house and buried the bird in the alley best I could (lest she dig it up in the yard), and came out to the front porch for a beer and a smoke and corn chips with no salsa because I gave too much of it to C&L, and maybe some TV later and some buttermilk pineapple sherbet. I have to forgive Jessee, and I will, but I need another minute.