i can't get no...

I don't know what I was expecting. All I know is I was happy to get home.

I thought maybe the long weekend would wean me off of the constant political blog-watching and get me back to work, or at least to writing. But neither of those things has happened.

Tomorrow is the day I turn in my time sheet, and I don't know if I'm gonna be able to cough up fifteen hours for this week. My plan was to work four hours before I left Austin on Friday, then work eight today and tomorrow to come up with twenty hours, half a week's work. But instead I'm spending my time looking at the Chronicle classifieds online. Why? I guess I'm so dissatisfied with the way things turned out in Nashville, I'm willing to forget about it with a happy ending.

But there aren't any happy endings in the GM dating world of Austin; I already know that. I don't look good on paper, and I don't have the balls to approach the random hottie on the street or at the grocery store to ask if he wants to "hang out."

Plus it's raining. Nashville was having beautiful fall weather, cool nights and days around 80°. In Austin last night and today, it feels like a mold factory. I have freshly laundered clothes hanging on the indoor clothesline, limp and damp; they'll probably be there until tomorrow.

It was nice to see some of my old friends -- and I made a few new ones, who were totally cool -- but there really isn't a love connection between B and me. I think we both want to be in a relationship, but he doesn't want to be in Texas and I don't want to be in Tennessee. And what's more, I don't think he's the one for me. We don't have enough in common. He isn't passionate enough for me, or at least he wasn't over the weekend (though in his defense he had some family issues going on that might have affected him a bit). I just didn't feel any strong draw to him. We had sex once; I instigated it. It was okay, not great. I didn't feel like instigating again, and although he was willing, he wouldn't make the first move (I think he's one of those guys who "doesn't have to") so I was left feeling a little cool about the whole attraction thing. Basically, I was wondering my first morning in Nashville why I had planned to stay such a long time!

On the way home I was trying to figure out why it seems to me that I want to be in a relationship. Do I really? I don't seem to be interested in the people who are interested in me and the people I'm interested in are generally unavailable (i.e., straight). Am I really interested in letting something happen? In making something happen? I considered going celibate for a specific period of time, meditating my way through the urges, but my urges are so strong, and porn is so readily accessible. And then a man I saw reading Love in the Time of Cholera in the Nashville airport, and then he was standing next to me in the DFW men's room looking at my peepee and I thought, "Could he be the one?"

Now I'm wondering why I can't just get to work. I feel anxious and horny! I had my chance, I guess, and I blew it, quite literally.