birthday season update #4

When it's at its best, the Dance can be quite spiritual. And it was last night. It blotted out whatever else I did yesterday. A did the music, and she's the best. There was plenty of bump-and-grind and lots of fun rhythms. It's really hard to describe the experience, and particularly now since I'm anxious to get out the door and get on with my day, my actual birthDAY, but it was very healing.

I've decided to attempt a year of celibacy, starting today. That means getting rid of the links to the porn sites I sometimes visit; that means not having sex, not masturbating. But more than all of that it means a kind of change in my mindset.

I've realized lately that I put nearly every relationship I have into somewhat of a sexual context, whether it's somebody I want to have sex with, somebody I don't want to have sex with, somebody I can't have sex with, somebody I have had sex with, or if their actions make me feel sexual. All of this sexuality causes me a lot of suffering, I've realized, so my attempt at being celibate for awhile is really about freeing myself from the suffering. It sounds silly to say I'm taking a "vow" of celibacy, because I'm not a monk, and I'm not really even much of a practicing Buddhist. But I will say I'm taking a vow of reducing suffering in my world (though I typed "cow" instead of "vow" three times before I got it right, whatever that may mean!).

At the end of the Dance last night, as the music got more gentle and introspective, I found myself sitting on the dance barre and humming along with the vocals, and crying. I looked around the room at the beautiful people holding each other or dancing alone or around the room, and I said goodbye to my sexuality, I just let it go. It was like seeing a friend leave on a long trip, a friend I've had a sometimes difficult relationship with.

And then I lay on the floor face down and said a prayer for myself, to myself, and suddenly there were hands on me, people touching me, rubbing on me, loving on me. It wasn't a sexual experience, and unlike previous times when something like this happened in the Dance (and it can quite often), I didn't care if the hands were female or male, if it was somebody I might want to have sex with. It was just love.

I think this S'experiment might be difficult. I plan to blog about it and explore my thoughts and feelings regularly and try not to judge myself or others over the things that come up. But I will try to be as honest with myself and in my writing as possible. This could be transformative. I look forward to the experience. And I'm scared shitless.