Worlds AIDS Day, 9:59 p.I imagined what it would be like to find out I was Positive. I've been sick too long (diarrhea); maybe it's a sign of something more than just my emotional state. I traced back the steps to a possible, potential encounter with the A-monster. It's not very likely, but it's enough to feed the imagination...
Or am I trying to commit suicide subconsciously?
I feel like I'm bombing at personal interaction, but people keep telling me I'm well-liked. I'm thinking particularly of the bridge group and the faeries. More so the bridge group, because with the faeries I feel loved deeply some of the time (and then it fades).
I feel like I have so small a connection with the likes of Middle and BamBam, and even Ribbon and Crazy Bear to a certain extent.
10:14 p.m.
I've been freaking myself out a lot lately. I wonder if it's the time of the year - all the shit that was happening in Florida. Not to mention the holidays.
I was working so hard to gain R's attention a year ago. I wouldn't say it's been the hardest year of my life, but I certainly thought I'd be a lot happier than I am; a lot more content.
On a good note, I went to the Y today and hardly cruised at all. Or did I even at all? I just looked at penises and bodies. But not with any sort of intention; it was all very casual. I'm actually quite proud of myself.
A train passes by regularly that has a whistle like a boat horn. It's very comforting in a weird sort of way. Now the slow hum of the passing train cars sound like a barge pushing a huge raft of cargo. I guess I'm thinking about the waterway near MW's house in New Orleans. I'm kinda glad I never got to New Orleans with R and the SSs and all that crowd. I think I'm partial to the New Orleans that has MW in it, ,and my memories of discovering New Orleans with S, two different times in two completely different ways. MW - and M - were the New Orleans we came to know and love.
It's also where a lot of filming for the documnetary between Ro and me took places. That's where the early part of the videotaping took place, and already we were complaining! Ro and I were putting ourselves and each ther through a series of tests to judge and rate and score our openness with ourselves and each other. Dissecting everything, every conversation, every sex act (or lack thereof), any emotion, every-fucking-thing.
Or am I trying to commit suicide subconsciously?
I feel like I'm bombing at personal interaction, but people keep telling me I'm well-liked. I'm thinking particularly of the bridge group and the faeries. More so the bridge group, because with the faeries I feel loved deeply some of the time (and then it fades).
I feel like I have so small a connection with the likes of Middle and BamBam, and even Ribbon and Crazy Bear to a certain extent.
10:14 p.m.
I've been freaking myself out a lot lately. I wonder if it's the time of the year - all the shit that was happening in Florida. Not to mention the holidays.
I was working so hard to gain R's attention a year ago. I wouldn't say it's been the hardest year of my life, but I certainly thought I'd be a lot happier than I am; a lot more content.
On a good note, I went to the Y today and hardly cruised at all. Or did I even at all? I just looked at penises and bodies. But not with any sort of intention; it was all very casual. I'm actually quite proud of myself.
A train passes by regularly that has a whistle like a boat horn. It's very comforting in a weird sort of way. Now the slow hum of the passing train cars sound like a barge pushing a huge raft of cargo. I guess I'm thinking about the waterway near MW's house in New Orleans. I'm kinda glad I never got to New Orleans with R and the SSs and all that crowd. I think I'm partial to the New Orleans that has MW in it, ,and my memories of discovering New Orleans with S, two different times in two completely different ways. MW - and M - were the New Orleans we came to know and love.
It's also where a lot of filming for the documnetary between Ro and me took places. That's where the early part of the videotaping took place, and already we were complaining! Ro and I were putting ourselves and each ther through a series of tests to judge and rate and score our openness with ourselves and each other. Dissecting everything, every conversation, every sex act (or lack thereof), any emotion, every-fucking-thing.
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