8:29 p.m.I've had panic attacks all throughout my life. Uncertainty was often a main trigger for an attack. I remember having a panic attack in NYC when M was in town. I was with JH then and we were in some restaurant and I had an attack caused by I don't know what, and I had to go out and sit on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant by myself and sweat it out. Back then I always considered them flashbacks to bad acid trips (all but one (bad)), and maybe they are, or were. Or are. Maybe I damaged my brain just like they said I would. They'd say it serves me right.
I watched Dr. Strangelove in its entirety for the first time yesterday. It was very good. I turned to it because the TV guide gave it four stars. They very rarely give these out. I've taken to watching any movie I see with a four-star designation. The movie after it was called Portrait of Jenny. It also got four starts. R came home and I started watching it and he joined me and we watched the whole thing and I really enjoyed it.
I've been watching a lot of TV lately. Probably too much. I guess my brain is going to turn to mush, like an egg boiled, frozen and microwaved.
I took my Cymbalta early tonight, as per my doctor's recommendation: I took it at 6:05. R got home about 10 minutes ago. It's 8:47 now. I thought I was gonna write something creative. Instead, I just drew a television.
8:48 p.m.
The question isn't when will I get sleepy. The question isn't when will I go to bed. The question is when will I wake up?
BIG BLUE
Started in Jacksonville, Florida. That's where I first noticed it for what it is, so that's where it started. Everything kind of imploded. I didn't even realize the fuse was lit. But I wasn't the one who lit it. It was JG. Maybe even SN. He was certainly the one who fueled the flame.
Actually, I don't know that. I don't know why I say that. I don't know SN well enough to say he was the cause of all this turmoil just because I think I know JG well enough to say it wasn't her. I don't know anything or anybody concerned in that situation. Not well. Not even me. Maybe even least of all me.
At least that's the way it turned out. Maybe that was the case or maybe that was the cause of all my turmoil. Either way, it doesn't matter. This is where I am now. No matter how I got here, this is where I have to go from.
~
JM always said I shouldn't doodle while I'm writing, that I was letting energy out that should be used for writing. That I should utilize every drop, that otherwise I was wasting my creative flow--my talent even. But I've come to disagree with her. The doodling keeps the flow going. It's like opening a vent on a pot to let out a bit of steam so the contents won't rise up and boil over and not only be wasted, but create a mess as well.
My love affair is with a little blue and green pill. I think it's working out quite nicely. I believe it's taking (or should that be making, or causing?) its intended effect over time and is agreeing with me rather well. I feel a ripple effect. In my life, and particularly in this night. I should go to sleep and see if my dreams will guide my Big Blue story.
I watched Dr. Strangelove in its entirety for the first time yesterday. It was very good. I turned to it because the TV guide gave it four stars. They very rarely give these out. I've taken to watching any movie I see with a four-star designation. The movie after it was called Portrait of Jenny. It also got four starts. R came home and I started watching it and he joined me and we watched the whole thing and I really enjoyed it.
I've been watching a lot of TV lately. Probably too much. I guess my brain is going to turn to mush, like an egg boiled, frozen and microwaved.
I took my Cymbalta early tonight, as per my doctor's recommendation: I took it at 6:05. R got home about 10 minutes ago. It's 8:47 now. I thought I was gonna write something creative. Instead, I just drew a television.
8:48 p.m.
The question isn't when will I get sleepy. The question isn't when will I go to bed. The question is when will I wake up?
BIG BLUE
Started in Jacksonville, Florida. That's where I first noticed it for what it is, so that's where it started. Everything kind of imploded. I didn't even realize the fuse was lit. But I wasn't the one who lit it. It was JG. Maybe even SN. He was certainly the one who fueled the flame.
Actually, I don't know that. I don't know why I say that. I don't know SN well enough to say he was the cause of all this turmoil just because I think I know JG well enough to say it wasn't her. I don't know anything or anybody concerned in that situation. Not well. Not even me. Maybe even least of all me.
At least that's the way it turned out. Maybe that was the case or maybe that was the cause of all my turmoil. Either way, it doesn't matter. This is where I am now. No matter how I got here, this is where I have to go from.
~
JM always said I shouldn't doodle while I'm writing, that I was letting energy out that should be used for writing. That I should utilize every drop, that otherwise I was wasting my creative flow--my talent even. But I've come to disagree with her. The doodling keeps the flow going. It's like opening a vent on a pot to let out a bit of steam so the contents won't rise up and boil over and not only be wasted, but create a mess as well.
My love affair is with a little blue and green pill. I think it's working out quite nicely. I believe it's taking (or should that be making, or causing?) its intended effect over time and is agreeing with me rather well. I feel a ripple effect. In my life, and particularly in this night. I should go to sleep and see if my dreams will guide my Big Blue story.
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