9:21 a.m.Will I make it to meditation today? Something inside me really wants me to, but something else is holding me back. What's holding onto me? Why can't I persevere?
Today, we're supposed to be going to brunch with the ST's. By "we," I mean "they," the clique. I don't really want to go. Or do I? I probably shouldn't be spending the money.
Last night, R and I went to the Sutler to see Pinmonkey. Apparently, they haven't played out in a long time, perhaps even since they lost their record deal in 2002. I didn't enjoy them as much as I remembered enjoying them. Maybe they're different. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because R was with me. Maybe it's because their fanbase (their "fan forum," as {lead singer} Michael kept calling them) is a bunch of high-pitched, screaming, drunk females. Maybe I was jealous. Maybe I am. Of what? I don't know. I guess the fact that they're doing "it." Doing something anyway. And I feel like I'm doing nothing. I lack inspiration...
Or do? Perhaps what I'm lacking, really, is motivation.
8:56
I needed to write to you. There are a lot of things on my mind. You're on my mind a lot, and I sincerely hope for the right reasons. But because of the state of my life of late, I believe we must both approach this with great caution. I would love to be in a relationship. Lately, I feel like that's what I'm most interested in in my life. It could be you I'm looking for, or you may just fit the bill at the moment. And I'm not looking for that; I wouldn't want to put either of us through that sort of a thing. I'm tired of love du jour; I'm interested in the kind of love that they talk about in romances, the kind of can't stand to be without the other kind of love. I don't think either of us are feeling that right now. There are no signs to contradict this. But I think something real doesn't necessarily have to happen instantaneously. So I would like to be near you and have a friendship that I know we can have--already have--and see what develops. I don't want to move in with you, I don't want to spend every waking moment with you. I don't want to commit anything to you--or anybody, not just yet.
9:10 pm
I meditated today. I mean I actually went to P&J's--the Shambhala Buddhist Group of Nashville. R said something about going for a walk to the grocery store and invited me along, and I said, "I can't, I'm going to meditate at 10:30." It just came out. So I did it. I took it as a sign.
It was good. A 23-year-old guy named J was there. He's a curious young man. He's big all over. And he's uncomfortable socially. He kept apologizing for speaking out of turn, or for changing the subject or whatever. But at the same time, he was at ease asking for water and asking questions about Buddhism and always ending requests or gratitudes with "my friend." As soon as I saw him, I recognized him. I had seen him on my way to meditation walking toward the Eastland Kroger (that's where Paul picked him up so he wouldn't have to take a bus). And, I think I saw him a couple of days ago at Five Points wearing a big orange poncho in the rain and walking toward the bus stop by the post office. I thought then that he might be mentally disabled, and I still think so, but not to the level I might've imagined previously. I gave him a ride home from meditation--he lives close by, on 17th between Eastland and the next street over (it's not Stratton up there, I don't think). I gave him my phone number and wrote under it "RIDE to meditation" and told J to call me if he needed a ride.
Today, we're supposed to be going to brunch with the ST's. By "we," I mean "they," the clique. I don't really want to go. Or do I? I probably shouldn't be spending the money.
Last night, R and I went to the Sutler to see Pinmonkey. Apparently, they haven't played out in a long time, perhaps even since they lost their record deal in 2002. I didn't enjoy them as much as I remembered enjoying them. Maybe they're different. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's because R was with me. Maybe it's because their fanbase (their "fan forum," as {lead singer} Michael kept calling them) is a bunch of high-pitched, screaming, drunk females. Maybe I was jealous. Maybe I am. Of what? I don't know. I guess the fact that they're doing "it." Doing something anyway. And I feel like I'm doing nothing. I lack inspiration...
Or do? Perhaps what I'm lacking, really, is motivation.
8:56
I needed to write to you. There are a lot of things on my mind. You're on my mind a lot, and I sincerely hope for the right reasons. But because of the state of my life of late, I believe we must both approach this with great caution. I would love to be in a relationship. Lately, I feel like that's what I'm most interested in in my life. It could be you I'm looking for, or you may just fit the bill at the moment. And I'm not looking for that; I wouldn't want to put either of us through that sort of a thing. I'm tired of love du jour; I'm interested in the kind of love that they talk about in romances, the kind of can't stand to be without the other kind of love. I don't think either of us are feeling that right now. There are no signs to contradict this. But I think something real doesn't necessarily have to happen instantaneously. So I would like to be near you and have a friendship that I know we can have--already have--and see what develops. I don't want to move in with you, I don't want to spend every waking moment with you. I don't want to commit anything to you--or anybody, not just yet.
9:10 pm
I meditated today. I mean I actually went to P&J's--the Shambhala Buddhist Group of Nashville. R said something about going for a walk to the grocery store and invited me along, and I said, "I can't, I'm going to meditate at 10:30." It just came out. So I did it. I took it as a sign.
It was good. A 23-year-old guy named J was there. He's a curious young man. He's big all over. And he's uncomfortable socially. He kept apologizing for speaking out of turn, or for changing the subject or whatever. But at the same time, he was at ease asking for water and asking questions about Buddhism and always ending requests or gratitudes with "my friend." As soon as I saw him, I recognized him. I had seen him on my way to meditation walking toward the Eastland Kroger (that's where Paul picked him up so he wouldn't have to take a bus). And, I think I saw him a couple of days ago at Five Points wearing a big orange poncho in the rain and walking toward the bus stop by the post office. I thought then that he might be mentally disabled, and I still think so, but not to the level I might've imagined previously. I gave him a ride home from meditation--he lives close by, on 17th between Eastland and the next street over (it's not Stratton up there, I don't think). I gave him my phone number and wrote under it "RIDE to meditation" and told J to call me if he needed a ride.
No comments:
Post a Comment