(It's supposed to be.)Sunday afternoon, I dressed up in "yellowface" to do a spoof on Asian stereotypes and 1-900 phone sex lines for the Austin Asian American Film Festival trailer. I put scotch tape on my eyelids then covered my face with white paint (not yellow - this is a sepia tone version of the picture I took on my iPhone; interesting that blackface is done with black paint, but yellowface is done with white...). The Fu Manchu moustache, or as it said on the package, "Mandarin Moustache," came in a package from the costume shop, as did the Oriental robe I wore.
It was a short shoot, and lots of fun. The director of the AAAFF is a friend, it was quick and painless, for the most part. The only painful thing was the heat in all that makeup and the polyester "silk" robe.
It was a little weird though arriving in the house where people waited (the filming was done at another house in the neighborhood, my old neighborhood) one of the rare Caucasians - most were Asians or Indians (whom I know are Asians as well, but just for clarity) - all of us there to do stereotypical characters. Being raised in a family where "Chinaman" still isn't considered derogatory, and where Vietnamese is sometimes pronounced Vietmanese, I felt self-conscious. But it was all in good fun, and people were quick to praise my look and my bad Asian accent: "Herrro..."
The guy in the film shot directly before mine passed the bathroom a couple of times while I was trying to figure out how to attach the tape to my eyes - pull it across the temples and over the ears? vertical across the outside edge of the eye? (Eventually I discovered putting the tape on the eyelids worked best.) He seemed interested in my process, and he was cute-- handsome...sexy. When I got home, I looked him up on my friend's Facebook page and requested his friendship. Before too long, he accepted. I perused his photos - very handsome - and noticed that his profile said he was "Interested in: Men" and that he was "Single."
I wrote a silly note, making references to his character (the successful Asian business man who couldn't get the girl, even with his "large stock options") and mine. I made a comment about the fact that I supposedly had special powers and was trying them out... then asked him on a date. I stared at my message to him for a few hard minutes and literally had to talk myself into hitting the SEND button. But I did.
Then I decided he would probably never respond (that was Insecurity's whispers in my head). My "protection" was to tell myself I'm gearing up for rejection, getting used to the idea, since I'll likely be receiving a lot of rejection (or what will feel like rejection) very soon concerning my novel. I had it in my head that this could free me up to take more chances, throw caution more quickly to the wind.
A day later he responded. Not exactly a rejection. "Yes, it was nice meeting you, too," his note started. And then, "I should tell you I just started dating someone..." Ah! There it is; gentle, but rejection nonetheless. I was happy enough with that; at least he responded. He could just as easily (or some could) have ignored me, and the rejection would've gone into my bloodstream, into my brain, and fed the Insecurity that lives there.
He continued, "...but that doesn't mean I couldn't go out for lunch, etc., and get to know you."
Hm... Not really rejection at all, just an explanation of the situation. Because really, you can't monitor attraction. --Well, you can, but it still happens when it happens. I find that I can't help who I'm attracted to. It's actually rare that I am attracted to someone anymore (in that way), and oftentimes they turn out to be straight or too young, which causes me a certain amount of suffering. That was the reason I decided to stop pursuing a partner, because the attempts (and the rejections) caused me so much suffering.
S has suggested I "lower my standards." But that doesn't seem right. My standards? I don't have standards. I don't see two boys on the street and think "I'm attracted to this one, but that one isn't as cute, so maybe I'd have a chance with him." I'd rather be alone than take what I can get.
So here I am with (C), as I'll call him. There must be some attraction on his part - that's probably part of what makes him so attractive to me, that mutual attraction - or else he might not have responded to my note (or might not have even befriended me). We had a little back and forth on Facebook, he said this week was good for him (lunch, not dinner and/or drinks as I originally suggested; a demotion, but I'll take it), I said Thursday is good early or Friday anytime. The ball is in his court. I guess there's still a chance he'll back out or blow me off (shut up Insecurity)...
I put the Fu Manchu picture as my Facebook profile picture for about half an hour. (C) responded with "(!)" to the picture shortly after he befriended me. And then another Fb friend who I know from improv and don't know that well (and frankly find a little annoying) wrote, "Great picture; not racist at all. ;)" So I removed it, for fear that it did seem racist out of context.
It was a short shoot, and lots of fun. The director of the AAAFF is a friend, it was quick and painless, for the most part. The only painful thing was the heat in all that makeup and the polyester "silk" robe.
It was a little weird though arriving in the house where people waited (the filming was done at another house in the neighborhood, my old neighborhood) one of the rare Caucasians - most were Asians or Indians (whom I know are Asians as well, but just for clarity) - all of us there to do stereotypical characters. Being raised in a family where "Chinaman" still isn't considered derogatory, and where Vietnamese is sometimes pronounced Vietmanese, I felt self-conscious. But it was all in good fun, and people were quick to praise my look and my bad Asian accent: "Herrro..."
The guy in the film shot directly before mine passed the bathroom a couple of times while I was trying to figure out how to attach the tape to my eyes - pull it across the temples and over the ears? vertical across the outside edge of the eye? (Eventually I discovered putting the tape on the eyelids worked best.) He seemed interested in my process, and he was cute-- handsome...sexy. When I got home, I looked him up on my friend's Facebook page and requested his friendship. Before too long, he accepted. I perused his photos - very handsome - and noticed that his profile said he was "Interested in: Men" and that he was "Single."
I wrote a silly note, making references to his character (the successful Asian business man who couldn't get the girl, even with his "large stock options") and mine. I made a comment about the fact that I supposedly had special powers and was trying them out... then asked him on a date. I stared at my message to him for a few hard minutes and literally had to talk myself into hitting the SEND button. But I did.
Then I decided he would probably never respond (that was Insecurity's whispers in my head). My "protection" was to tell myself I'm gearing up for rejection, getting used to the idea, since I'll likely be receiving a lot of rejection (or what will feel like rejection) very soon concerning my novel. I had it in my head that this could free me up to take more chances, throw caution more quickly to the wind.
A day later he responded. Not exactly a rejection. "Yes, it was nice meeting you, too," his note started. And then, "I should tell you I just started dating someone..." Ah! There it is; gentle, but rejection nonetheless. I was happy enough with that; at least he responded. He could just as easily (or some could) have ignored me, and the rejection would've gone into my bloodstream, into my brain, and fed the Insecurity that lives there.
He continued, "...but that doesn't mean I couldn't go out for lunch, etc., and get to know you."
Hm... Not really rejection at all, just an explanation of the situation. Because really, you can't monitor attraction. --Well, you can, but it still happens when it happens. I find that I can't help who I'm attracted to. It's actually rare that I am attracted to someone anymore (in that way), and oftentimes they turn out to be straight or too young, which causes me a certain amount of suffering. That was the reason I decided to stop pursuing a partner, because the attempts (and the rejections) caused me so much suffering.
S has suggested I "lower my standards." But that doesn't seem right. My standards? I don't have standards. I don't see two boys on the street and think "I'm attracted to this one, but that one isn't as cute, so maybe I'd have a chance with him." I'd rather be alone than take what I can get.
So here I am with (C), as I'll call him. There must be some attraction on his part - that's probably part of what makes him so attractive to me, that mutual attraction - or else he might not have responded to my note (or might not have even befriended me). We had a little back and forth on Facebook, he said this week was good for him (lunch, not dinner and/or drinks as I originally suggested; a demotion, but I'll take it), I said Thursday is good early or Friday anytime. The ball is in his court. I guess there's still a chance he'll back out or blow me off (shut up Insecurity)...
I put the Fu Manchu picture as my Facebook profile picture for about half an hour. (C) responded with "(!)" to the picture shortly after he befriended me. And then another Fb friend who I know from improv and don't know that well (and frankly find a little annoying) wrote, "Great picture; not racist at all. ;)" So I removed it, for fear that it did seem racist out of context.
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