6:33 a.m.The sky is just starting to lighten up; I've been awake since 4:30 or so. I'm having one more cup of tea (yerba maté) with a blanket over my shoulders before I head up for a long hot shower.
I've got a glitch in my left shoulder blade. That's what woke me up, the discomfort of that; that and the heat coming off of R's body. He smelled liked cigarettes and alcohol. I think it was shortly after 4 when he crawled in bed. We ate at Beyond the Edge and had a good talk, then I came home and went to bed and he went out.
He leaves tomorrow morning for Galapagos. I wish I was going but I'm glad I'm not spending all that money. I'm spending a big chunk of today meditating. P&J, who "run" the Shambhala group here, met a man at a recent meditation meeting and he offered up his home for a Nyinthiin (or something like that). It's basically an all-day retreat. We meet at 8, start meditating at 9, and except for breaks here and there meditate continuously until 7 pm. I think this is just the thing I need right now in my life, a little kickstart. And I'm glad it comes at a time when R is gonna be out of town. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a daily practice going and keep it going even after he comes back and the new year begins.
I spent the first part of my morning so far writing emails to people telling them I'm not going to be in NYC in February for the premiere of Cocus & Doot {the children's musical I wrote songs for}. I just can't afford it. LW was the one who convinced me (gave me permission?) to cancel it altogether.
And then I spent time online looking for events at the Shambhala Mountain Center in Colorado in the month of June (that's when I'll have relief from a couple of big chunks of my current bills, if all goes well). Then I looked at flight times...and then I found a website that compares cities' costs of living and all that.
I was surprised to see that Denver is actually slightly lower than Nashville. The unemployment rate is double what it is here, but hopefully that won't affect me too much since I have O.
I don't know if I want to go to Denver just because I want to try to have a relationship with A, but it sure would be nice to be near C and the St's and Estes Park and the mountains...and A.
I need a change. So much of the time R brings me down. I realize that. Last night was the first time in a while that I've been able to push past that. We had a good conversation (although I don't agree with the way he sees a lot of things in the world).
It's not all his fault. I've probably gotten to a place where I've just given up on him, and that's good for my peace of mind, but it leaves me open to feeling lonely and unloved. I think a lot of my crisis lately (besides the money thing) comes from the fact that I think my mother doesn't love me, that she really doesn't know how to.
R said, "Why does it matter?"
I said, "I don't know, it just does."
He said, "You just have to put it out of your head."
We had a long talk about that and his views on the planet and animals. Like I said, I don't agree with him on a lot of stuff, and that's okay.
Gotta go meditate...!
I've got a glitch in my left shoulder blade. That's what woke me up, the discomfort of that; that and the heat coming off of R's body. He smelled liked cigarettes and alcohol. I think it was shortly after 4 when he crawled in bed. We ate at Beyond the Edge and had a good talk, then I came home and went to bed and he went out.
He leaves tomorrow morning for Galapagos. I wish I was going but I'm glad I'm not spending all that money. I'm spending a big chunk of today meditating. P&J, who "run" the Shambhala group here, met a man at a recent meditation meeting and he offered up his home for a Nyinthiin (or something like that). It's basically an all-day retreat. We meet at 8, start meditating at 9, and except for breaks here and there meditate continuously until 7 pm. I think this is just the thing I need right now in my life, a little kickstart. And I'm glad it comes at a time when R is gonna be out of town. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a daily practice going and keep it going even after he comes back and the new year begins.
I spent the first part of my morning so far writing emails to people telling them I'm not going to be in NYC in February for the premiere of Cocus & Doot {the children's musical I wrote songs for}. I just can't afford it. LW was the one who convinced me (gave me permission?) to cancel it altogether.
And then I spent time online looking for events at the Shambhala Mountain Center in Colorado in the month of June (that's when I'll have relief from a couple of big chunks of my current bills, if all goes well). Then I looked at flight times...and then I found a website that compares cities' costs of living and all that.
I was surprised to see that Denver is actually slightly lower than Nashville. The unemployment rate is double what it is here, but hopefully that won't affect me too much since I have O.
I don't know if I want to go to Denver just because I want to try to have a relationship with A, but it sure would be nice to be near C and the St's and Estes Park and the mountains...and A.
I need a change. So much of the time R brings me down. I realize that. Last night was the first time in a while that I've been able to push past that. We had a good conversation (although I don't agree with the way he sees a lot of things in the world).
It's not all his fault. I've probably gotten to a place where I've just given up on him, and that's good for my peace of mind, but it leaves me open to feeling lonely and unloved. I think a lot of my crisis lately (besides the money thing) comes from the fact that I think my mother doesn't love me, that she really doesn't know how to.
R said, "Why does it matter?"
I said, "I don't know, it just does."
He said, "You just have to put it out of your head."
We had a long talk about that and his views on the planet and animals. Like I said, I don't agree with him on a lot of stuff, and that's okay.
Gotta go meditate...!
No comments:
Post a Comment