what am?

I've been let down. I've let myself down. At some point I woke up in my 40s all alone. People half my age aren't interested in me, or they are for different things than I hope for, for things I can't offer them. People my own age are just busy.

If I could find my way to being sexually aroused by women, there are a few of them waiting in line (one of whom I'd actually like to be involved with). The men I find myself attracted to are usually straight or otherwise uninterested in me.

What happened? Did I waste all of my sexiness back when? I don't think I was particularly snotty about who or what I was; I think I enjoyed myself, quite a bit, had my disappointments, my thrills, threw some things away that I wish (now) I had held onto, held onto some things that probably weren't good for me.

I emailed an acquaintance recently who, it turns out, is a therapist. She specializes in gender identity issues. Somehow, I feel like my issues of late (or maybe forever) are gender identity. They're definitely Identity issues. I feel like I'm on this little boat in the middle of the choppy sea; it's relatively safe where I'm at, but I don't know what I'll do if a storm comes. (Sounds like an ad for a antidepressant!)

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. Not even S1. I feel that he doesn't understand something very basic about what I'm going through. I sense his fear and frustration when I say things about sadness or death.

I miss having an audience, I think. That's something that's been coming to my mind a lot lately. What does this mean? Somebody who is fascinated by me?! I don't feel like I have much to offer anyone that will fascinate them. S1 says I don't want to talk about the thing that I spent most of my adult life involved in -- the Act. It's true, I don't, not anymore. I used to eagerly offer that up to people as an introduction (the Act and/or the Relationship) and I kept getting met with confusion or aversion, or alienation.

In the dance community I involved myself in for a solid year (going three times a week to every dance for a long time), people were fascinated by me, interested in me. Then, when the girls started realizing they weren't gonna get anywhere, they started ignoring me; when the boys started realizing I was attracted to them (not acting on it), they started avoiding me. Fuck me!