wednesday, january 19th (2004)

6:29 p.m.

I'm heating up some mystery food I pulled out of the freezer a few days ago. I was on my way to work (to also take care of the flat on Big Blue in the Co. parking lot) and I realized I hadn't taken my pill, so I turned around. And then I turned around again and went and got a cigarette and decided I wasn't gonna go back to work.

I cleaned LW's house for the first time today. I got started later than I'd planned (10 instead of 9) and it took longer than I'd hoped it would (4.5 hours instead of 3 - but I putzed around some, and I took a puff from her pipe...), so I came home and took Jesse to the dog park (it was warmer today than it has been) and L showed up with Reuben and Maud, so we stayed till Jess was pooped - though she doesn't seem to be pooped any longer.

(This is a brown rice, cabbage and cheese dish; it yummy.)

I left at 5 and decided to go to the gym, and then on the way out to the truck (R is letting me borrow) I realized I didn't have gym clothes or cleaning supplies. But I felt grimy, and I didn't want to go to Co. feeling like that, so I went to the gym with a change of clothes to steam and shower (and use the soap they supply).

M with the dot tattoo was there. I have a crush on him. He said hi, asked me how I was and we ended up in the sauna together. When we were finally alone, I said what I'd been thinking for the first 10 minutes...

ME: Would you be interested in going out to eat with me sometime?
HIM: Are you asking me out on a date?!
ME: I guess so!
HIM: ...I'm not dating right now.
ME: Okay...that's cool. --Would you want to go out for dinner not on a date, just as friends?
HIM: To be honest with you, now that I've seen you naked, I don't think that would be possible.
ME: Fuck...
HIM: I'm just being honest.
ME: Okay. --Did you have a bad experience?
HIM: No, it's just not the right time.
ME: Good for you; I can appreciate that. --When do you think you'll date again?
HIM: I don't know. I'll know when the time is right.
ME: Could be soon...
HIM (laughs): What's your name again?
ME: JDJB.
HIM: JDJB.
ME: And you're M.
HIM: You have a better memory than me.
ME: I just have a crush.
HIM: Excuse me?
ME: I have a crush on you.
HIM: Thank you.
(Then people came in.)

(Later, outside the shower.)
ME: I want you to know that was difficult for me.
HIM: I know-- Okay. It's not you; the timing's just not right.
ME: I hear you. I think that's good that you're there with that.

11:21 p.m.
I'm so daft! Matt was saying he wants to have sex with me. Hey, I'm not looking for love, either. Well, I am, but not here. As of this writing, I am not interested in staying in Nashville indefinitely.

My sweet potato peanut soup turned out good but looks like vomit. I didn't have enough of any of the ingredients so I had to substitute. I used 2 sweet potatoes, a russet potato and a carrot instead of 3 sweet potatoes. I used red cabbage instead of "cauliflower or cabbage" (they probably meant green cabbage). I didn't have peanut oil so I used sesame oil - no big deal - and I didn't have roasted peanuts so I used chunky peanut butter. I garnished it was Italian parsley and it was good that way.

I'm also thinking of making quinoa to serve it with (or put it right into it).

I can't believe it's 11:28. I'm wired. C came over and brought vanilla ice cream and I had root beer, and we had root beer floats.

Oh, yeah, and I didn't have regular chili peppers so I used a dried up old jalapeno pepper. And then I jerked off later and my penis was hot for a while afterward. My face, too, because I was looking at it, picking at it.

I think the sit in the sauna was good for my skin. I've been very greasy lately. Oh, I didn't mention my nosebleed, did I? Yeah, shortly after my interaction with M in the steam room, I got a nosebleed. As C said, "To add injury to insult!" (I said it the other way and she corrected me.) I ran out of the sauna bleeding on my towel. M asked about me later...

HIM: Are you all right?
ME: Yeah, I got a nosebleed.
HIM: Yeah. I get them all the time. It's the dry air.
(Maybe.)

(photo credit)

tuesday, january 18th (2004)

9:43 p.m.

Jesse's chomping away on a beef rib on the other side of the bed. Sometimes I think I don't want a pet because I hate the constant reminder of the food chain.

I got all worked up about the Turnip Truck yesterday. I stopped by there after work and talked to Je, and now I've come down. I'd like the job, but I'm okay if I don't get it, too. When I heard myself today saying, "I just might not wanna move for a while--" and "I think I would wanna look for an apartment--" if I get this job, I thought, hm, does it really matter? If I get the job I'll be here, if I don't get the job I'll be here, for a while. I'll have plenty of time to change my mind a few more times before a decision has to be made.

I did talk to LW today about the possibility of having to leave Co., and she was happy for me. I was afraid she might be "upset." Silly me.

Interesting, this: I came out of Co. at 5 today bound for TT, only to discover a flat tire. I tried to change it myself before calling AAA but I wasn't able to get the lug nuts off. C has Roadside Assistance with Geico, and I have Geico now, so I called Geico (I skipped this: AAA had a 2.5 hour wait), but found out I didn't have Roadside Assistance on my Geico policy. Oh, and I actually had to pay up my AAA account in order to get help from them - $46 - and then I found out it was a 2.5 hour wait, and then I called Geico, blah, blah, blah.

Interesting, though, that I had a flat because: it made me stop and calm down and let the stress go (I smoked the other half of a cigarette I'd started on the way to work - C caught me, and I was just being proud of myself for not ever smoking at work - although I do all the time light up in the parking lot as I'm leaving).

R brought me Shields & Yarnell rainbow wool socks from Ecuador...

Fats went out of town without calling me about the recording. I'm only mildly concerned about that right now. I'm too tired to be any more concerned about anything right now.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

(photo credit)

monday, january 17th (2004)

6:53 a.m., MLK Jr Day

I used to be a morning person. I used to pop out of bed as soon as my eyes opened for the first time, no matter how many hours I slept, so long as it was at least five. But lately, I sleep and sleep and sleep, and when I wake up - usually because I have to pee so bad I can hardly lie flat - I talk myself into going back to a dream, just curl up sideways so my bladder won't be such a bother. And then, when I finally get do get up to pee, I'm trying to talk myself into going back to bed as soon as I'm done: Oh, won't it feel nice with an empty bladder?

This morning the bed didn't win. The dream I was having - being a burn victim in a hospital that serves piles of cheese pizza in the cafeteria - wasn't interesting enough to call me back. Plus, the door at the bottom of the stairs was closed all the way and Razz was clawing at it with his clawless paws - not so much to get upstairs but to get me down to fill his bowl (even though I fed him a little extra last night - it's his ritual). So I put my big, heavy terry cloth robe on over my flannel pjs and went down the two flights of stairs to the basement. And during all that time, my mind is still trying to figure out a way to get me back to bed, all the way up to the point of grinding the coffee beans.

And then, for a brief moment, I considered that I could still go to the gym; it's MLK Jr Day, there would be parking spaces. But, no, I guess I'd rather be disappointed in myself. I decided in the middle of the night, night before last, that I was gonna stop smoking pot and drinking beer (and other alcohol) for the rest of the month. But by the end of the day, I'd had a beer, a few sips of Grand Marnier and smoked a roach I found in a little tin I was putting a barely-smoked cigarette into. It was too fucking cold to stand outside and smoke a cigarette. But I can smoke weed indoors! What a Loser.

The reason I thought to take a vice break was because M had reminded me in a recent email that pot and beer might have something to do with my roller coaster emotions. But I haven't really had roller coaster emotions since I've been taking the Cymbalta. But that's why I thought it would be a good time to take a break from it all. But, no, I guess not yet.

Not yesterday, anyway.

I have a job interview at 1 p.m. today. I feel pretty good about the prospect of getting the job, I don't know why. It may interfere with my hours at Co. (afternoons - I think they're looking for evening people at Turnip Truck, and they close at 8), but hopefully I can get LW to say that's okay. I need a little bit more job than I have there, and I'm still not getting work from NYC, so I'm getting a little bit desperate. And still, on top of all of that, I would love to work at Turnip Truck. For several reasons. The main one is that I've wanted to work in a health food store for a long time. Other reasons include:

1. I spend so much money there, it would be nice to get a little discount;
2. It would be good experience for me to be able to get a job west of here (Denver, Joshua Tree, wherever);
3. Jo the owner is very sexy and sweet, and I'd like to find out what he's all about... straight? gay? single? partnered? I tend to think he's gay and single.
   

I saw a movie on Sundance last night called The Secret Lives of Dentists. I liked the story and I liked Campbell Scott and Denis Leary and the actresses who played the three daughters. I didn't think Hope Davis was all that good, but the way the story turned out really held my attention to the end.

11:32 p.m.
I can't sleep, and I was going crazy trying to upstairs. Jesse had my leg room and R had a sharp elbow point poking into my upper arm, and his air passage was making a ticking sound that I couldn't drown out with earplugs jammed all the way into my eardrums. In fact, I think the earplugs magnified it! Every time his breath changed directions, it would tick.

11:38
I've made myself some tea. --Oh, and my asshole was itching. I guess I have a hemorrhoid, and an irritated crack because of it. I found a nice touch through my pajamas, nice and light, and I didn't want to stop rubbing on it all night long (I felt like a dog must feel when she's getting her belly rubbed - we both look the same, I bet).

So I got up, came downstairs, threw another blanket on the bed, put some water in the microwave, got some regular {room temp} water, too, and my journal, and climbed into the downstairs bed. The lighting is definitely better for writing here.

The interview with Je at Turnip Truck seemed to go very well today. She hinted that she would definitely be having me back for a second, short interview to meet the owner... I'm thinking now - and have been all day since then (and all night, too, obviously) - that I should go back and tell Je that I'd be interested in full-time if she's interested in having me full-time. I also (first) need to ask what the hourly rate is, and if there are any benefits (not that that would make a difference because I don't have any now). But the unspoken benefits are what I've gotten all jazzed about. I wouldn't have to drive Big Blue much at all (fuel, upkeep...); I could and would walk to work. Having one job is better than two.

(photo credit)

sunday, january 16th (2004)

9:33 p.m.

Is my life just getting weirder by the year or what? What am I doing here? R and I are not lovers. We're not really even all that close of friends (I don't think). It's like I'm the housekeeper and cook who shares his bed.

I vacuumed today, and I wiped some countertops. Sometimes I'm so satisfied by the simple act of vacuuming. The job completed. And it's not just that. In fact, I think more so it's the tidying up I do that brings me satisfaction.

--Oh, I can't forget this! I saw a documentary last night (a short) about a young guy in Dallas who was paying to get shot! He paid a mechanic-looking guy $500 to shoot him - for the scar!!! I couldn't believe what I was watching, and even now, just writing it, I wonder if it was a hoax. And I'm helping to spread this crazy hoax. But it has to be true, because it will be. Somebody else will see that and say, "I want to have that done," and it will become a thing. Crazy motherfuckers!

(photo credit)

saturday, january 15th (2004)

10:13 p.m.

Hip, hip, hooray! I went to the library today and wrote the whole first draft of "Forbidden," which I was calling The Little Pirate Story, or something like that. I should print out all of my recent short stories; I think it would be a good idea to see what I have accomplished, so I can't keep telling myself I'm not accomplishing anything. I went to the library to check out Forbidden Planet, and picked up The Apartment, too, which is what I watched tonight. I'll watch F.P. later.

There's a pen and ink drawing class at an art store here at the end of the month that I'd like to take. The catalog came to R. He's thinking about taking a class or two if {his company} will pay for it. I encouraged him to take a book binding class because I think that would give him a good thing to do with all of his photographs.

The ad for the class I'm interested in (which R says he has no interest in at all) says to bring a photo that you think would make good subject matter, "no portraits, please." I would take the picture of Big Blue that R took at the CSA farm when several of us, including S were there after Easter last year. It's my favorite photograph of R's. If I get my autobiography published, and if it's called "Big Blue," I think it would be the perfect picture for the cover.

I'm sure J will be calling me about meditation in the morning - a ride; that's why I gave him my phone number, so I could give him a ride and at the same time so it would get me there. Good thinking, huh? Because I knew the time would come when I would feel just like I feel right here and now tonight, and if I had any choice about it- if I was on my own and hadn't already turned the guy down on Tuesday - I probably wouldn't go. So I'm glad he'll be calling because that means I'll be going. And I need to.