s'experiment: day 9

A friend of mine asked me recently if by being celibate I meant not masturbating either, which I thought was an odd thing to ask, because if masturbation is allowed, I've been celibate for the better part of the past two years (with only occasional "slips"). She had heard about some group -- I don't remember if they were monks or what -- who had to be celibate for their living situation, but who were also encouraged to masturbate. I guess to keep them from getting too frisky.

I was thinking very seriously the other day about the masturbation question, wondering if I was actually making things worse for myself by keeping it "bottled up," so to speak. When I went to the polls on election day to see the long lines (that didn't exist) and spent some time talking to the election official at the door of the library -- whose job it seemed was to point people in the right direction and thank them for voting when they exited -- I was seeing some mighty good looking young people, formerly-angry black men, tattooed and pierced punk rockers, upscale homosexuals; I was feeling some strong attractions, looking for the lumps, feeling the love. On my bike ride home I wondered if maybe I was doing myself (and the world at large) a disservice by not masturbating, if it was gonna cause me to leer even more so than before I took this goal of celibacy upon myself.

And for a year?! WTF!?

I Googled "celibacy - masturbation" and the first link that came up was a medical professional writing "A surprisingly large number of people wonder if masturbation is permitted if one is 'celibate.'" The second link was by a Catholic priest writing about how to overcome the masturbation sin; the one after that a man's blog on his journey of "transitional celibacy" (I suppose to a state of "regular sexuality") and his 12-step take on it.

I don't think of masturbation as a sin or an addiction. Well, maybe it's addictive, but I don't think I have a "problem," certainly not one that would require a 12-step program, since I'm generally opposed to 12-step programs, period. For me, it's more about changing my constant view of the world through sex-colored glasses (I was about to write "semen-smeared glasses," but that's gross).

The man in the blog was excited that he had had 20 days of celibacy, but the entry was written nearly a year-and-a-half ago, and there are no follow-up entries. I picture the poor guy face down in a gutter in the seedy part of town right now, woody in hand.

I have found something that helps me overcome my cravings to "have a wank on the knob," as the Brits say. I don't know if it would be considered masturbation, but I spend a timed five minutes touching myself, massaging my dick and balls with lavender oil. Lavender is known for its calming qualities, so I thought it might be useful in this instance.

Surprisingly, it has been. I get a warm sensation, but it's not like a turned-on heat, it's more of a hot bath kind of effect. It feels real nice. During the process, I don't find myself thinking about sex, or boys, I'm just paying attention to myself. There's always a spot in the middle front of my balls that feels cool, almost cold to the touch, so I rub the flesh between fingers and thumb to warm it up.

Of course, I want more of this good feeling, but I don't feel like I can't help myself, can't stop myself. When the five minutes is up, I put myself away and get back to work or whatever I was doing previously, the warm feeling remains for a few minutes, and I feel a sense of satisfaction, as much because I've given myself attention as because I haven't ended my experiment by spilling my seed.

Yet.

We'll see how it's going 20 days in. Perhaps I'll blow off this experiment like the other blogger did. But maybe not. Already I don't feel nearly as crotch-focused as I was when I was masturbating daily.