sugar for the soul

I was a little worried about turning on my computer today. I got an email from A regarding my friend, her husband J's condition (he had a bone marrow transplant for leukemia about a year ago and has had recent complications), which P, who is a social worker, said sounds like he's in the last stages. I was afraid I would open up my gmail to a message I'm not looking forward to reading.

I don't feel the same kind of sadness about death and dying as I do about life and love. I think I'm pretty square on the end of life thing. I don't want people to suffer -- I don't want to suffer -- but it seems like, after death, there's not a lot to worry about, not for the dead anyway.

But J's health has brought up some issues for me that go back twenty-eight years, back to when my father went into the hospital (the same hospital in Houston that John is in) for surgery on a brain condition -- an intusion, I think it was called -- after which he died in recovery a couple of weeks later. It is further complicated by the fact that we were a very religious family (Asssembly of God), and I prayed that he would die... because I was 16 and because our connection was tenuous at best.

I'm not wishing for anything but recovery (or at the very least comfort) for J. I was there during the BMT process, spent three days a week in Houston going back and forth, to help out J & A during the whole episode. He came back to Austin and was doing pretty well for a while, but then mold-like spots started appearing on the EEGs and he was put on medications to try to get rid of that, and now he's got pneumonia, and more recently, he's stopped talking, can't walk or even sit up on his own...

I realized when the need for brain surgery came about, I pulled away from J & A physically and emotionally. I didn't stop going to their house on a weekly basis to organize his myriad of pills (something like fifty to seventy-five a day) into baggies -- BREAKFAST/ LUNCH/ DINNER/ BEDTIME -- because J is also blind and A is overwhelmed as it is, but I did feel a real disconnect when the brain thing came about (even though the leukemia was in his brain, it didn't seem like the same thing as the words "brain surgery"). I realized I have some residual difficult emotions around my father and his death and my guilt for years (not anymore) over my possible hand in his death.

S and I are going to Bigtown (my hometown) next weekend for my grandfather's ninety-fourth birthday. (At first I was thinking Why not wait until his ninety-fifth birthday, wouldn't that make more sense? But then I realized that when you get to be as old as he is, each birthday is worthy of celebration.) We're going to stay the Saturday night before the party in Houston, visiting with J & A, taking her out to dinner -- like she's done for me/us so many times before. That'll be nice. I just pray I don't get a sad email before then.

This weekend -- tomorrow -- is S's birthday. I'm gonna make my Aunt Melba's "Dream Chocolate Cake with Fudge Icing" (as written out for me by my dearly departed Nana, her younger sister):

I

• 1 stick Oleo
• 1 C. Water
• 1/2 C. shorting
• 1/4 C. Coco

: Bring to a boil

II

• 2 C. flour
• 2 C. sugar

: start mixing.


III

• 1/2 C. butter milk
• 1 t soda
• 2 eggs
• 1 t vanilla

Pour #1 over #2 mix well mix in #3 mix well Bake 1 hr 300 º Grease & flour loaf Cake pan This will not work in tube pan.

Fudge icing

• 1 stick oleo
• 1/2 C. coco
• 1/3 C. milk
  

:bring to a boil and pour over powdered sugar

• 1 box powdered sugar
• 1 T. vanilla

if its too thin add a little more sugar etc.

I invited some people over -- neighbors and friends -- and we're gonna have cake and ice cream! Tonight, I'm taking S out for dinner at a restaurant of his choosing: an Indian vegetarian buffet called Madras Pavilion. Sounds good to me.