crazy on you

Here's what my week's been like:

Job work has been slow, so I've done a lot of work on the novel, rewriting each chapter longhand to get a feel for it. I keep the PC purring so I can check occasionally for work that might have come through that I can latch onto (for the dough), but I've had stretches of three and four hours of uninterrupted time at the kitchen table. I'm somewhere in the middle of chapter four right now.

I've alternated between that and uploading what I've done so far on my new myspace page, chapter by chapter in the blogs section (I'm enjoying myspace, have reconnected with some old friends).

I've also taken to this "Mysore Ashtanga" yoga practice. It's available Mondays through Thursdays 4:30 to 6:00, but so far -- because it's a work-up-to-it kind of practice -- I haven't stayed longer than thirty-five minutes. The instructor is dreamy, big wide-open eyes to his soul, always coming to look right into mine and say "How do you feel?"

I feel like I love you, I say inside. Can you hear me?

Oh, I'm such a crush-junkie! He's a great teacher, and though I felt like he was smirking at my dismal attempt to get through the first series of Surya Namaskars (sun salutations) on that first day (I thought maybe I was in the wrong place, that he wished I hadn't come, all those insecurities of being at the gym or in P.E. class or something), he seemed equally pleased that I was back the next day. (I have a lot of conversations in my mind, thoughts about what other people are thinking about me, and though they're probably not always correct, there's probably some truth in what I'm feeling). So I went back three days in a row, and he gave me a second set of Surya Namaskars to go through the next day, as well as two more poses each new day (so I'm up to six, right?)

Day One: My muscles, particularly in my arms, were like jelly. At one point, M (the instructor) was talking to me and I reached up to scratch my nose and missed it!).

Day Two: I felt good.

Day Three: My lower thighs (backs of my knees) were so sore I couldn't pull my shoes off with the opposite foot!

So this is Day Four, but there is no Mysore on Fridays, and some of the practitioners don't do it on "Moon Days," regardless of the day of the week, but I'm not there yet (they also stop everything at the beginning of class and do a chant, which M told me on the first day to just listen to silently; maybe someday he'll give me the key to that as well...). Also, I won't be able to go to yoga class at all next week because of SXSW -- I got my Film Pass, and the film festival starts tonight (more on that later) -- I'm going to have to do the six series/poses I was taught on my own so I don't have to go through the jellied muscles and start-up pain again week after next. And I think ultimately, it would be nice to not have to go to the studio everyday, once I know the entire hour-and-a-half cycle, though at some point, M gets more involved in your practice, helping you with stretches (i.e., touching you!)

My yoga practice has blossomed because I have also spent an inordinate amount of time this past week thinking up things to say to R, and then spending the rest of the time talking myself out of calling or texting or emailing him to share those things with him. I feel he has pulled way back, and I feel myself full of a desire to pour myself into him, to swallow him up, to fill up my time thinking about him, thinking about him, thinking about him. It's gotten to the point where I've felt like I need to just cut off any connection or any hope of a connection with him, to tell him as much (though when I told S he said that would be kind of cruel to just cut him off after he opened himself up to me. I'm thinking, In what way has he opened himself??? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...)

R called me on his birthday and I got all junior-high-girlish. It felt ridiculous. I also sent him a birthday present that I shouldn't have spent so much money on, and then I feared he hadn't received it (because I didn't insure the package, sent it USPO instead of UPS or FedEx, didn't ask for receipt confirmation or anything like that... this actually kept me awake practically an entire night thinking about it, wondering, worrying, obsessing). And then, three days after his birthday, at least two days after I thought he should have received the package, I texted him to see if he got it. This was his message back to me (misspellings his and left in to add to to the sense of confusion and insecurity I felt):

I got it today. Huf
been thinking
about how i say
thank you. Its
awesome, and very,

That was the whole message. And that was the last I heard from him. That was six days ago. I obsessed about that for a long time. And so I dove into yoga, dove into my writing. That's what I've been doing this past week, avoiding that, and it has been good for my creative and physical selves. But dang, there's a part of my brain that's short-circuiting, and there's a part of my heart that's hurting.

Speaking of Heart:

If we still have time, we might still get by
Every time I think about it, I wanna cry
With bombs and the devil, and the kids keep comin'
No way to breathe easy, no time to be young

But I tell myself that I was doin' all right
There's nothin' left to do at night
But to go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, oh

My love is the evenin' breeze touchin' your skin
The gentle, sweet singin' of leaves in the wind
The whisper that calls after you in the night
And kisses your ear in the early moonlight
And you don't need to wonder, you're doing fine
My love, the pleasure's mine

Let me go crazy on ya
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, ohhh

Wild man's world is cryin' in pain
What you gonna do when everybody's insane
So afraid of one who's so afraid of you
What you gonna do...ohhh...

(Ah-ah-ah-ah)

Ooooo...Crazy on ya
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you

I was a willow last night in my dream
I bent down over a clear running stream
Sang you the song that I heard up above
And you kept me alive with your sweet flowing love

Crazy
Yeah, crazy on ya
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, oh
Crazy on ya
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, yeah

(Ah-ah-ah-ah)

Crazy on ya
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, ohhh...