sunday, september 19th, 1-ish (2004)

I don't know what reason I have for feeling down today, but I do. I've been thinking a lot about my life here lately. What am I accomplishing? Where is this going? L and I went to see some singer/songwriters last night; one I know, one she knows.

His songs moved me - I cried at the one about his friend R's cancer treatment. I wonder if it made me cry because of Pamela, or because it was that beautiful.

Or was I just longing for a different life for myself? One with him? He smiles a lot, he's very gentle; not at all like what I've got now. I find myself wanting to leave this relationship, wanting to run away. But I feel trapped in it, too. Mostly for his sake.

I've always called his anger a good lesson for me, for my cultivation of patience. But have I learned enough? Is that what this feeling is? Is my relationship with R the reason I'm disgruntled with UU? Or is that another issue altogether, another factor contributing to my funk?

Or is it the medication? Is it wrong for me?

Today is ST's birthday lunch. I don't want to go, but I don't want to say anything. I don't want to eat; I don't want to spend the money. And I'm thinking it's gonna cause some kind of funk on the group. So I feel like I should say something to R. But at the same time, I feel like I should stand my ground. It's my right to go and not eat and just celebrate his birthday, right? But then why am I avoiding signing the card for the present R bought ST?

Does it all go back to my pulling back from this relationship? From that church? From this life?

I daydreamed about just pulling up and going to California. But that doesn't feel right at all. First, S doesn't even have a place to live, and he won't for some months. I know he'd be happy to have me at that point, but it's not something I'd even consider right now.

So I think to myself, How many months? But that's so irresponsible. I have enough jobs here and the living situation to support getting myself out of debt. That's a good and noble goal, I know that. But I fantasize about a relationship with poor artists like singer/songwriter J, and try to arrange sexual encounters with people like that older swimmer dude at the Y who flirts with me with his huge dick. My sexual life beyond that is pretty nonexistent.

Party time...

5-ish
Novel idea: Big Blue. Starts off with my depression and switches back and forth between that and the Suburban Big Blue.