improving

Last night, S and P1 went to the theater with me to watch me do improv. It wasn't an official performance, just the weekly jam, but I was pooping all day yesterday, I think because of the nervousness.

The shootaround (jam) went all right. Both C and T were there; T is my current teacher and coach, C was my first improv teacher in Austin (I took a class when I was in Nashville five years ago).

It was nice to have S there to observe me and give me some insight on my insecurities, particularly with C, who I think is a wonderful performer, but I wasn't really all that crazy about his teaching style. I also have felt very self-conscious with him onstage, and I wasn't exactly sure what that was about. I feel a little more comfortable playing with T, although she's the best improviser I know.

S pointed out that the difference is likely the fact that T is a woman and C is a man. I am more comfortable around women, for the most part. Boys are so hard to figure out, particularly straight white 20-somethings. Well, there's the attraction thing (not that I'm all that attracted to C, though he is cute), and then there's the issues I had with boys from eighth grade on, with them calling me names, picking on me, etc. That was 32 years ago! It's crazy how psychological shit sticks with you.

That's what I see as the "good" of improv for me. It's not so much about the performing, it's about the therapy I get out of it (though I do look forward to performing for an audience of more than two!). The first several shootarounds I went to, I was so nervous and felt so out of place, particularly when T wasn't there and there were several of the guys from the other theater I took an improv class with (before C+T got fired and started this one). But I stayed aware, have been observing myself and my relations with these people. The first couple of times I played with C, I felt so bad, dorky, stupid. The first couple of times I played with T, I felt awkward, but it was fun.

Last night, I actually enjoyed a couple of scenes I had with C. I don't know if it was because S and P1 were there (I had something to prove), or if it's just that I've gotten more comfortable with myself and others. Maybe a little of both. There was a skinny kid named N at the shootaround last night, too, young enough (or looking), I guess, that I wasn't as intimidated by him - or maybe it was more of the comfort of having S and P1 there, and/or more of the comfort I'm gaining doing the shootarounds every week.

There were also a couple of men there who were a bit annoying. One of them was there before. He has never taken an improv class but believes he "gets it" and "knows what it's all about," but his choices are offputting and just wrong. He brought a young man with him who was almost as annoying, but not quite as in-your-face as the older dude. The first time I played with him, the next time I saw T, I asked her what was the good of the shootarounds, if there are people there who have no experience. I was "concerned" that perhaps playing with untrained improvisers might be doing me more harm than good. She said that for her it is good for keeping her sharp and helping her to work with unexpected situations. She said she also meets people whom she loves playing with and would never have met had she not gone to the shootarounds.

I realized last night that I was also seeing the good of playing with "bad" improvisers. It certainly puts me on the spot more than a comfortable situation like being in class or in a rehearsal with T and just CG and me. It's like cheap therapy. Cheap because the shootarounds are free, and because repeating levels of classes (which is most of what I've been doing lately) is free.

There is an intensive class next month on recognizing and working with patterns and games in improv scenes. It is going to be led by C, and it costs $100. When I first heard that, I thought I wouldn't take it because I don't like C's teaching style. But I think maybe I need to give him another chance.