forty-five

I can't decide whether to call JD* (I always use both first and last name when I talk about him). Today is his birthday. I recently marked it down in my mind that he's 360 days older than me. JD is one of those missed opportunities. Or really he's one of those opportunities that came and went and I enjoyed, and I want more of. I can't decide if I'm in love with JD or if I just enjoyed our not-so secret affair.

I met him in NYC -- that's where he is and forever will be -- in 1996, I think. I was carting cases of cat food and litter, etc. home on a dolly from the pet store in Union Square. (S1 and I used to push buggies and carts of stuff around, to shows, to the grocery store, unashamedly, like two old ladies!) JD was walking down Second Avenue. Our eyes met. This is the kind of thing that used to happen for me, the kind of thing that still happens for many gay men and maybe even some straight people, I don't know. We turned back, stopped to chat, saw a mutual interest, made a plan for sex. I took the cat products home, told S1 I'd met somebody and was going to his apartment (for better or for worse, S1 and I had a very open relationship) and made my way to the lower Lower East Side to JD's apartment. He met me at the door and we didn't get past the foyer for the sex. It was great sex. He was so sexy; I was so sexy.

We saw each other three or four times between that first time and the time S1 and I left NYC for Nashville with the Act. Once I happened upon JD coming out of the gift store he owns and he took me home with him. That time we got as far as the living room floor. It was a summer day. He had a friend over shortly after I left and could only joke about the big wet spot on the painted wooden floor (sweat and whatnot) as he mopped it up. Another time. I saw him at an outdoor restaurant eating with a friend. I didn't know if it was a boyfriend or just a pal, but I didn't care. I walked up and down the block, one side then the other, pretended to use the pay phone, biding my time, and he later told me he quick-as-possible paid the bill and told his friend he needed to go home alone, or without him. (I think he was open about what was going on as well. He told me once that he could never be unfaithful in relationships, not that he had any problems having sex with other people who were being unfaithful.)

Between the times I saw JD -- sometimes many months -- I didn't think a lot about him. When we saw each other around the East Village, that was when the spark was there. There wasn't a time that I saw him that we didn't end up at his house for sex. I don't know if he ever saw and ignored me, but I tend to think not, it seems like it was some kind of a deep connection. Maybe it was only physical, but it felt very deep when we were together.

Just before we moved away from NYC, I suddenly had a strong desire to see JD. I think I journaled about it, I "put it out there in the universe" as the hippie-dippies say, and just a few days before the departure, I ran into him in his studio in a completely different part of the East Village, some place I would never have expected to find him. It was kismet.

And so I left NYC. I didn't think much about JD. Once in a while fond memories of the connection we had would wash over me, but we never exchanged phone numbers, never got physical or email addresses for each other. Eventually, I forgot his last name; I knew it was the name of a town in a northeastern state -- that was what he told me to help me remember it the first time or two he told me -- but going through a road atlas was of no help. When we traveled through NYC with the Act, I tried to find his gift store but couldn't remember exactly where it was.

Years passed.

Two years ago, I was in NYC, I went to a meditation retreat on the Lower East Side. The meditation leader instructed us before the lunch break to spend a certain amount of time during the break being silent, taking our surroundings in. Some people were meeting at a falafel shop in fifteen minutes, others were doing things on their own. I had planned to go to the falafel shop but decided shortly after I left the loft space that I wanted to take a lot longer getting there. I let the WALK lights lead me. I went this way then than, all of a sudden finding myself standing at the door of JD's gift shop, and he was inside. My heart raced. I went in, looked at the myriad items displayed throughout the store, slowly wending my way to the counter.

JD saw me, said "How are you doing today?" I said, "Fine." After a moment, he said, "Don't I know you?" I said, "Yeah, I used to live here." He said, "And you have a birthday coming up soon." I almost melted on the spot. He wrote his cell phone number on the back of a business card and gave it to me (it's on my desk right now), told me to call him. I did. We got together, had sex.

The only problem was the sex wasn't as magical as it had been all those other times. I don't know if that was because I had such high expectations after all I'd gone through since the last time we'd seen each other. I don't know if it was because it wasn't as spontaneous as it had been every other time before; we made plans, met up, walked together back to his apartment, the same apartment, stopping on the way for snacks. Or maybe it was because I had been going through a sexual change in my life, not looking at porn, not masturbating, diving into meditation and pulling away from the things I did that seemed to harm me.

Still, the sex lasted a long time. My penis was sore for days afterward, which used to be a good sign(!) but this time was just annoying. I lost my erection -- we were doing a lot of rubbing through our clothes and I became very sensitive and started wondering what this guy was into, started asking myself "Was he so into frottage back in the day? Was I? Is this all there is to our connection?" We lay on his couch naked and talked for a long time (after I finally came), which was my favorite part about the exchange. I found out that he had been in a relationship for six years, which had started shortly after I left NYC and ended a year and a half before this reunion. The problem with the relationship was that his lover lived in France. When they first started dating, the Frenchman was in NYC a lot, and it worked out. But then he changed jobs, was in France more, and they started having a long distance relationship, and, JD said, that was the beginning of the end.

That's what it was! The difference was I was so intent this time on finding a lover that the sex was overshadowed by my inner voices: This could work! Finally you have the perfect lover! Do a good job JDJB and he'll want you!

I realized on the couch that it would never work. I don't want to live in NYC, JD has a successful business there so he's not gonna move...to Texas. And neither of us really wants a long distance relationship. I called him the next time I was in NYC, which was close to Christmastime, but he didn't call me back. He had said something about being at his family's during that time and wasn't sure if he would be around, "But do call." I did, and he didn't call back, and I had a generally bad time in the City that Christmas alone.

I've only been back to NYC once since then, early this summer. I had talked about going again this holiday season, but it didn't seem like a good idea. (Well, it's not a good idea now because I don't have a plane ticket.) The thought of JD stirs up a lot of emotions in me. I don't know what to do. My biggest fear is I'll call and he'll answer and beyond "Happy Birthday" we won't have much to say to each other. He's still doing the same thing; I'm still doing the same thing. There's nothing to report. Physicality seemed to be our best communication, and now that that's not possible, it doesn't really seem like there's anything else.