going to the ghetto

Last night was the first rehearsal of the gay men's chorus that I now belong to. I wasn't sure how I would be received or if any of my inner alarms or dialogs would get the better of me, but the first thing I noticed about the whole night was that I could wear whatever I wanted and not worry about what others might think. I mean, sure, if I wore my one-piece over-the-shoulder green thong, I might have gotten harassed for wildly inappropriate fashion for choir practice or for a church (even a gay Methodist church). But I didn't wear that. I got a new pair of striped light blue cotton slacks at the tax-free weekend on Sunday, which I trimmed just below the knees, then I had my dark blue T-shirt with the odd drawing (in light blue) of a long-haired man with no face) and a red striped number 11 in the upper stage left corner. I wore my Simple hemp slip-ons and red socks. I paused a moment before I put on the red socks; then remembered I was going to the gay ghetto and I could wear whatever I wanted. No matter what people might say, I didn't have to worry about anyone thinking I was gay because of what I was wearing. This is something I go through on a regular basis in my life. I like bright clothes; I'm a tall person; I stand out. It's just who I am. But sometimes I get out somewhere and get an uncomfortable feeling that I'm being judged.

I told S when I got home and he said this is why people are proponents of the Gay Ghetto. I hadn't really thought about it much. I have always felt kind of out of place in gay-specific places like gay bars, but I've decided more recently that it's because they're bars and that I don't really care for bars.

There was a little awkwardness last night, but it didn't cripple me. For one thing, a guy I'd seen the week before kind of gave me a short answer when I asked him what section he was in; it felt a little off-putting. He was a bass and didn't seem too interested in having a conversation with me.

But there were plenty of men who did. And I let go (as best I could) of my judgments of who was "too gay" or whatever and just tried to enjoy the experience. And I did. I only know a couple of peoples' names so far, but there's one guy named L who is such a flaming Irish queen; he's got strawberry blond hair and a bright face -- and I think he's lost his eyebrows or regularly plucks them away -- and he makes me laugh. He's kind of ditsy, which I think is his natural way, but he plays it up for comic effect. Homosexuals can be so funny; there's a lot of good material to be mined in the gay ghetto, I'm finding. Or I'm remembering. It's not like I've never been to a gay bar (or never had a good time in one) or that I've never been to a bathhouse or piano bar or gay rodeo. Okay, I've never been to a gay rodeo, but I think I'm against that more for the animal cruelty aspect than the desire to not see men in tight-fitting Brokeback Mountain duds...

To start off the rehearsal, we did what the director called a "Group Grope," which was a little weird. We all turned to face the right and did "whatever the person behind us was doing to the person in front of us." As far as I could tell, it was all neck and back massage. And we did some vocalizing all the while. Then we turned around and did it to the person behind us. Everyone seemed to be pretty concentrated in this part of the evening. As for the rest of the night, it was like being in junior high band again, with the person at the front of the room having to constantly shush one part of the room while he worked with another.

Masculine appearances aside, I'm not sure I'm suited for the baritone section. There are two baritone parts, and in my welcome email, I was told that I would take the higher baritone parts whenever available. But I felt like I was screeching and straining my voice. And the music was hard. I'm not complaining about that. I'm glad the songs are difficult; I know it'll all come together by performance time and be pretty impressive. But I wonder if I shouldn't be singing bass. It seems a little weird that the director decided so quickly in my tryout that I was a baritone (with forty or so other guys in the chorus) and they only have eight or nine bass singers and seem to be hurting for them. I've always sung bass -- and though I said before that I think I'll like the baritone section better, I'm not sure I'm up for it.

We'll see; I'll give it a little time and then go talk to somebody if I still feel like I'm in the wrong place. However, it's comforting to know that even though I feel out of place (as per usual), I know that there's a place somewhere in there for me.