thursday, january 27th (2004)

8:45 a.m.

Yesterday was a migraine day, brought on by having to deal with C&D. F finally called to tell me that it wouldn't be impossible for us to do the recording of the songs, but it wasn't going to be easy either. He went on to list his schedule over the next couple of weeks, which has him out of town more than in town, and in the studio the majority of time he is in town. I decided right them that I was gonna tell New York that F isn't available and I told him so, and I could tell he felt bad because he started trying to help we come up with alternative ways to deal with the situation, and then K got on the line to offer her thoughts. I don't know if I already had the headache when I hung up with them or if it came on from that point, but even so, I felt a sense of relief. I called Su's voice mail.

9:21 a.m.
I got a call from S. He got the cooking job at a restaurant run by a Buddhist group in Boulder, Utah. He told me this a couple of days ago, I think - no, actually, he left a message yesterday - and when I told R he said he would be interested in going there to visit. S just told me this morning that the restaurant is attached to a lodge, and R and I (and Jesse) could get a room there (for a fee). Bayne probably wouldn't go because he's so feeble anymore.

But then I got to thinking after that that since I want to go to Denver, this may be the perfect opportunity. The question is - I guess - if Old Blue would be able to pull R's truck. Denver, CO, is on the way to Boulder, UT. It seems like it's meant to be. I'll have to figure out when and how to tell R.

wednesday, january 28th (2004)

3:09 a.m.

I'm up. Finally I didn't sleep for nine or 10 hours. C came over last night and brought food from Calypso and we watched Welcome to the Dollhouse (with a 30-minute break in the middle to watch the Sundance Festival Dailies show). She went home just before 9, and I was in bed by 9:05.

We've got Sophie for the night, and she kept whining - which kept waking me up even though I had earplugs in - so I came downstairs and slept in the front bedroom and she seemed a little more relaxed. But she's up with me now, kind of pacing. I think she really prefers to be at home in her own bed, even if she's alone.

R crawled into bed about an hour ago, smelling of gin. He fell asleep quickly and his loud, deep breathing turned into snores and I was awake at 2:45, wondering if I'd slept long enough to be getting up. I took my Cymbalta yesterday at 5 instead of 6, and I think that's why I was so zonked at 9. It was that druggy kind of zonked feeling.

I think I'll finish my coffee, have some oatmeal, and go to the gym at 5. I might even go in to work after that. I can't really do anything around the house while R is sleeping (especially downstairs) except sit in front of the computer, and I don't want to do that for too long because I'll just end up playing Bejeweled, which is my on-again/off-again guilty pleasure.

sunday, january 23rd (2004)

7:26 a.m.
comic bit on 10 Commandments
dress like preacher; Bible
(songs? "the B-I-B-L-E...")
10 C.s are "top 10"
adultery worse than sodomy
etc.

Characters I believe I am:

• Mrs. JDJB (woman, not drag queen) - talk about domestic lief as if it were my reality...ironic.
• Rev. JDJB
• Babbling Brooke
• Phyllis Diller (am, or can be)
• Nannybird (effeminate) "They fired me when they found out I was gay"

8:13 a.m.
Went to "sexuality straightener" and was thrown into a room with 100 others to have sex and get it out of our systems...

9:08 a.m.
You could tell how happy a family was by how tall their squirrel-pile was (hillbilly).
Daddy made Russ chase squirrels around the tree...

10:39 p.m.
I'm gonna sleep in tomorrow, have challah french toast when I get up, work at Co. in the afternoon and clean up this mess of a house tomorrow evening. I am drunk on the mulled wine, and I can feel the sulfites doing their nasty little dance inside of me.

We hosted bridge tonight. I made creamy hubbard squash bisque, kabocha corn muffins, mulled wine, and an incredible cheesecake (New York style) with Grand Marnier chocolate sauce and toasted pecans (my new favorite thing... toasted pecans, that is). The pecans went on the bisque as well. Yum.

--Hm, Turnip Truck didn't call today.

--Hm, also, I almost got myself worked up over the C&D recording (or lack thereof), but it's out of my control. Su called with an update tonight but I was playing bridge host, so I didn't answer. I thought I should call her, but I'm drunk (and a little high, too) and I didn't want to call and ramble, which I would probably do - especially since I'm inebriated. So I'll call her tomorrow. If I need to worry about it, I'll worry about it then. I probably should call F before I call her, so we're updated all the way around.

thursday, january 20th (2004)

6:18 p.m.
I'm got gonna do much tonight. (What else is new?!) I'm watching The Daily show and checking my email right now.

9:43 p.m.
I'm sitting on the front porch. Stoned, buzzed. I got to thinking that I'm getting that way every day now. I've given up my sexual addiction and replaced it with three others.

s.e.x.

I'm not sure where it came from, but lately I feel sexy and desirable. I've been putting myself out there more lately, kind of as an experiment, and it seems to be "working." I went to a gay bar that I've never been to before on Friday night and met a handsome black man (not "boy," as my friend P pointed out, and it's true, he was easily my age or older). We talked a lot, flirted a little; he bought me a beer. I guess there was the potential to go home with him, but I didn't feel it. I mean, I felt the vibe, but I didn't feel like it, so I said I was going home; it was 1:15 a.m. He became a little whiny - not too annoyingly so - and walked me to my car, where we kissed lightly (I realized we were in the street and there were straight people around, but for some reason didn't feel in danger). He said, "I wish I could see you again." I asked if he wanted my number. He said yes, and we exchanged numbers. By the time I got home, I had a text from him, saying he enjoyed meeting me and hoped to see me again. I wrote back: Ditto. Have a good night. I wasn't truly sure I wanted to see him again, but didn't want to rule it out. I figured it would have to do somewhat with how he "acted" toward me. I assumed he would be calling me the next day, or soon. It's Monday, and he hasn't called yet, which I'm fine with. If and when he calls, I'll see how I feel then.

Saturday, I did some manscaping, with the planned intent of going to the gay bathhouse that night. I don't know why; it was another part of my attempt to get myself out there some more, just to see what vibes I'm giving and receiving. I've been reading a book on improvisation and theater (Impro, by Keith Johnstone), which I'm finding very helpful in my improv, but also in my life. I recently finished reading a section on "status," and decided to utilize it in my visit to the bathhouse. For instance, Mr. Johnstone writes about how looking at someone that you pass in the street determines status right away. If you and the other person stare each other down, you are having a struggle over high status/low status. The person who looks away first is low status. If the person looks at you, looks away, then looks back very briefly, that is also low status. If you are high status, you don't look at the person at all, or hold the stare until they look away, or look briefly then away, but don't look back. There is also a section about how one passes another in the street (on which side of the sidewalk, etc.) and other instances of status. I decided to do some "homework" at the baths, and it was quite effective! I won't go into exactly what I did, or whom I did (or who did me!)...

I've been dealing a lot with my desire to kiss-and-tell, my impulse to write graphic sex scenes. I'm speaking here specifically of august chagrin. A friend of a friend read the manuscript and I got an email from him last night with some of his thoughts. He likes my writing, likes my ability to draw the reader in and keep the interest; he made a few comments about specific things that made him laugh out loud, commented that the balance between sadness and humor works well. What he had the most criticism about was the graphic nature of the sex described in the book. He said it felt like it went into the realm of "pornography," and he felt it was a distraction and was happy when it "got back to the novel." He's straight, but he said he thinks his feelings would be the same if the sex were heterosexual.

I've had a lot of thoughts about this. Just before I finished the current draft, I wondered if my work could be taken as serious literature with all of the graphic sex, and specifically gay sex in it. S says there are lots of instances of graphic sex in literature, however this other person who recently commented on it said that he wouldn't, for instance, have wanted to read about the characteristics of Anna Karenina's privates, or Vronksy's, or the positions they may have enjoyed, even though their affair was what led to her downfall. Very interesting fodder, indeed.